


Aphosiosis

by VanishedGalaxy



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, Psychological Trauma, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-21
Updated: 2017-01-11
Packaged: 2018-09-10 21:15:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 29,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8939629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VanishedGalaxy/pseuds/VanishedGalaxy
Summary: Aphosiosis, n.From the Greek word αφοσίωση meaning1. Adhesion2. Attachment3. Loyalty4. JonginLuhan tried his best with living his life without any discomfort after an incident that caused a huge trauma on him. All until a young man named Jongin demands a spot in his life.





	1. Epimoni

Epimoni   
n.   
From the Greek word _επιμονή_ meaning   
  
1\. Persistence  
2\. Stubbornness 

##  **Chapter One**

The day had been hectic, as his boss had told him. Luhan, insisted on it being much more than just that.

The day broke before dawn for Luhan. He was at the restaurant at seven o’clock, having the early shift the following couple of weeks. He wasn’t fond of it, but he also had no privilege of choosing his shifts for the sole reason of him being nothing but a waiter. Thus, a pair of black pants and sneakers, and a white shirt that read the restaurant’s name over his heart later, Luhan was holding a pen and a notepad or the tray.

He wasn’t a fan of Sundays mostly because people who had spent their whole nights out at the nearby neighborhood would wander on their unsteady feet to the small shop in search of food to clench the burning in their stomachs. Luhan wasn’t a fan of drunk people either. In less than an hour, the whole restaurant smelled of alcohol and what-else, and Luhan was close to pinching his nose from the stink. Neither did the smells of food do any good to him, since he never liked meat that much and, ironically enough, the restaurant served mostly that.

Slipping through the crowds of people, Luhan managed to get from A to B without losing his equipment—or his clothes; he’s seen how that lady was staring at him. Needless to say that in two hours’ time he couldn’t feel his feet and as the sun rose more in the sky, the more the number of people went down. He’d calculated less than an hour for the restaurant to return to a standard calm. He barely missed it.

And it all ended with the highlight of a group of young men passing through the door almost as noisily as they could. Their appearance disturbed everyone who was eating and if it was in Luhan’s hand, he’d have escorted them back out for bringing a ruckus to the small and calm diner. His boss, however, was seeing money instead of people so Luhan made no move. Instead, he grabbed his pen and notepad, and he walked to the four young men who sat at a booth by the windows.

“Good morning and welcome to ‘Grabs and Meats’,” Luhan started with his fake friendly smile. He always thought the name of the diner was a failure alone but he never had the heart to ruin his boss’ illusion of knowing English. “What would you like to order?”

The boys ordered meat, not to Luhan’s surprise, really. Especially when one looked like he owned the entire world’s bank accounts. He’d stopped to envy such people, or at least he had convinced himself that happiness came in small packages each day, rather than through a black unlimited credit card. He wrote down the orders, not fond of the way they stared at him with snickers evident on their faces—he mentioned their disrespectful behavior to his boss later, but he didn’t get a satisfying enough response.

Luhan wasn’t even sure what to expect anymore from his job.

He tended after his customers and when one young man sitting at that particular booth, still as noisy as ever, raised his hand and signaled him, he shuffled his feet up to them.

“How much is it?”

Even if he didn’t know the cost of their brunch, the black haired male slipped bills across the table and offered them to the waiter. Luhan stared at him un-amused but grabbed them anyways. He’d charge them slightly over just to reason some of his growing headache. It wasn’t until he reached the counter and the cashier that he noticed there was a piece of paper in-between the bills that read: “Call me to hang out”. There was a number scribbled down with the same messy handwriting, and Luhan looked up at the young male sitting at the booth. He was sure he’d been staring at him, waiting for him to find it, by the way he was already staring.

Luhan showed no emotion rather than tiredness and just grabbed the change from the cash register and made his way back to the booth. He didn’t bother to hand anything to the male, seeing how he was still smirking smugly. He was gone by the time the man picked up the change, missing the surprised look on his face when he found the same piece of paper with his letters on it crumbled in-between.

*******

At night, Luhan would plop himself on his bed, turning and kicking the air when no sleep took him in. He would stare at the ceiling, eyes adjusted to the pitch black of his home; he wouldn’t want it otherwise. The dreamless sleep would not be kind enough to grand him rest—no. It was sadistic to watch him try to close his eyes only to see him open them shortly after. Luhan had tried so many things for his insomnia; warm cups of teas or milks, long walks at midnight around the city. But nothing worked and nothing helped him fall asleep, and he would only lie in bed, staring up and praying to no one in particular to get his rest for the night. Only to resort to the bottle of sleeping pills in the drawer of his bedside table.

His mind would work at high speeds, bringing so many different things to his head. His brain waited until he came home from work to mingle in the back of his consciousness and pull lots of memories out and slowly go through each of them. As vivid as they were, they ceased to be the past and Luhan would suffer silently as tears would creep from his eyes and terrified gasps would echo from his throat.

His hair on his arms would stand, his senses creating an illusion of touch and Luhan would turn swiftly on his other side. His skin was becoming hot, his breaths ragged and, then, his tears slid from his eyes, down his face and into the pillow. Suddenly, the dark was too suffocating and Luhan had no oxygen to breathe. Everything was closing on him and he sat up and pulled his legs to his chest, hugging them and protecting himself from nothing. Protecting himself from something that was entirely in his head.

He blinked his eyes and there was a breath on his neck; hot and filled with lust, whispering something that was supposed to be filled with passion. But it was not. Goosebumps ran down his spine and his skin throbbed with each heartbeat. Where kisses were planted once, the skin released chills and as it became too overwhelming, Luhan turned to his side, pulled the drawer open and snatched the small bottle. He put two pills in his mouth and swallowed them without a second try.

He fell asleep shortly after, when his tears had dried on his face.

*******

He was there.

It’d been over a week since the start of his morning shifts and Luhan, having gotten used to the change, noticed a familiar face. If it wasn’t for the sleep his pills had given him, he’d never notice the guy. Now that he thought it over, he wasn’t sure if the other had come since then and he hadn’t seen him, or he’d just popped up out of nowhere today.

The black hair, as dark as the night that had passed, was messy. Luhan wasn’t sure if the boy had just woken up or he had actually wasted time to style them like that. His uniform spoke of school but his backpack was nowhere to be seen. His eyes stared through the dark glass of his sunglasses and, then, he plainly took them off, in a manner that should have been cool for him and the smirk of last time appeared. Luhan guessed he had high self-esteem and confidence. Or lived a life of a manga character where everything was shiny and perfect and his mere smile made everyone waver. Prince syndrome, as many called it.

He was still there.

Luhan swallowed the annoyance and grabbed his pen and notepad once more, heading towards the booth he’d chosen this time; one at the way back end, away from most of the rest customers. He was alone this time and Luhan appreciated it even if he didn’t admit it even to himself. He wore his fake smile, his mood forced high, and the same mantra all over again; “Welcome to…”

The young man took a while to answer. Luhan noticed how his eyes scanned him over, checking every detail of him from his waiter uniform to his skin. When he was done, he replied; “What’s today’s specials?”

Luhan tried to hide his irritation but he was sure his expression slipped for a second there. He proceeded with the list of dishes he had already told more than thirty times since morning. When he was done, he swallowed curses when the young man ordered the same as last time, giving no attention at what Luhan had just said to him.

Luhan thought that would be the end of it until he’d serve him. But with each movement, he felt as if being watched and when he looked up, his eyes scanning around the restaurant, he only found that particular person sitting at the back with his stare so strong on him Luhan felt nervous. He didn’t even know why he was that shaky under the young man’s eyes, but something at the back of his mind told him he was being mentally un-dressed. Something in the way the eyes were pinned at each patch of his skin made him anxious and trembling. The incident was when he dropped his notepad. He was lucky it hadn’t been a plate or he’d be swiping the floors now. And when he bent down, he just felt too exposed.

Frankly, Luhan just wanted to hide at the back, maybe somewhere in the kitchen, until the young man left. He wanted to be gone before he dropped anything else, and before he lost his mind under that strong stare. Luhan didn’t even know what was interesting—or amusing—for the other to watch like that. But something told him he didn’t need the answer because, by his multiple assumptions, he already knew why.

He felt a taste of freedom when the young man mentioned for him to pay after he’d eaten his food—which Luhan had trouble serving but didn’t admit it even to himself. To his slight surprise—even if he felt like he shouldn’t be surprised at all— he found a piece of paper in-between the bills. This time, when he glanced from the cash register, he didn’t meet the pair of eyes. The young man was staring at his phone just then so Luhan thought he might as well read what he’d written. “Date after your shift?” it read and Luhan cringed. Compare to the first one that was almost like an order, this one was an actual question, and Luhan felt nice enough to answer. He tore a piece of paper from his notepad, wrote the answer and placed it between the change. When he placed it in front of the young man and thanked him for eating there, he turned his back at him before disappearing into the back of the restaurant, leaving a confused-looking young man behind.

*******

“You should. It’ll be awesome, I promise!” Sehun yelled through the wood of the door while knocking hard on it. “You’ll have fun! It’s better than being stacked up in the dorm for ages.”

Sehun was only a year younger than Luhan, still in his first year of the same University they shared. He was a tall young man, handsome too, if Luhan had to add. He was a very good roommate even if Luhan had never said such thing out loud, knowing that Sehun didn’t need much reason to boast. He was stubborn, though, and that balanced his kind-hearted attitude to something normal. They’d bonded quite fast, despite having slightly different likes.

“Not now, Sehun. I’m studying,” Luhan said to the door, a frown on his face. Whoever said that Mathematics became easy to people who studied them more had lied. “I have a test on Wednesday.”

“It’s Saturday, Luhan!” Sehun whined and Luhan was partly glad he’d locked himself in his room an hour ago. If he hadn’t, he was sure the other would have dragged him out of his lair against his will. “Come on! Everyone will be there!”

And by ‘everyone’, Luhan knew what kind of party it was. Everyone, in Sehun’s world, meant his newest group of friends. Luhan had met a couple of them but he’d seen them all during lunch time at noon or on his run to his next class. They were a bunch of second year to fourth year students, referred to as the ‘cool kids’ although Luhan never called them that since he believed such childish titles were for middle and high schools. On the inside, he just called them a flock of jerks. Luhan still didn’t know how they’d accepted Sehun into their small, tight group. But he couldn’t believe why a person like Sehun befriended them in the first place. No benefits at all, just troubles.

But Luhan was never one to point out the truth to the younger. He could only observe from the outside and watch the younger fall into the same graves as them. First, it was the blonde hair. Then, it was the drinking. Now, it was the partying. Luhan was honestly too scared to meet the next tier, knowing it could range from drugs to stealing to killing. They were not trustworthy and he truly wished Sehun could see it himself.

“You know I don’t like to hang out with your _friends_ ,” Luhan hissed at the door. At this point, Sehun was just wasting his time.

“They really like you though,” Sehun tried again and Luhan sighed from exhaustion. That was a lie. “They’ve told me they would like you to join the group, even.”

The elder wasn’t sure what to make of it; take it as a compliment or worry about his appearance, because in no way did he look like a bad boy.

“I know you’re thinking about it,” cooed the blonde from the other side and Luhan rolled his eyes—he _wasn’t_. “You can come for an hour and I’ll be with you. Then, I’ll walk you home if you don’t enjoy yourself.” Luhan counted down; five, four, three. “Please?” _There_.

“Fine,” Luhan gave in with a groan. “But only for an hour.”

Hours feel like rivers when you are surrounded by people and blinding lights.

*******

Same brown eyes, same dark hair.

Luhan was tired of seeing the same young man every other day. It made him wonder just how wealthy his parents actually were for him to order meat in a country where it was considered luxury. Much like every previous day, he was in a school uniform and sported a messy hairstyle. And much like every previous day, he sent a smirk when he noticed him. Luhan wasn’t fond of the man, he’d made it obvious so many times already. But his boss insisted in him being professional and keep a smile on his face and serve him.

Luhan hadn’t mentioned the small notes he’d kept receiving every time to him. His instincts made him believe that if it stayed between them two, it’d eventually disappear. It didn’t.

This time, Luhan found a note much longer. Whilst the previous ones were simple “Why do you not accept?”, “Why do you reject me?”, “What about tonight?”, and the sappiest of them all; “Am I not your type? Cause you’re my ideal one”, this one was surprising. Luhan froze as he stared at the words spelled in the same scratchy handwriting the young man had. For the first time, ever since he’d written his first reply, he considered answering. But he didn’t. The younger didn’t need to know. He threw the piece of paper into the trash can, letters on the upper side reading “Why are you so strange with people?”.

Luhan wasn’t sure where the high-schooler had gotten that impression and what had made his mask falter in front of people, but he knew he didn’t need to know anything. He sent a strong glare either way. The brunet just returned a gentle glance. Luhan didn’t trust him. At all.

Turned out the young man disappeared for a week.

*******

Luhan was wary of the place. He’d never been in this part of the particular neighborhood before. Sehun, who felt his uneasiness tried to soothe him; “Don’t worry so much, Luhan.” It fell on deaf ears, although the elder kept that thought in the back of his mind. The streets were dim. Save for the weak lightning from the street-lights, it’d be dark. And dark it was around the corners, where small lonely roads lead to dead ends or back alleys. Luhan was sure of that group’s identity by now. It was too dangerous for mere, innocent and casual University students to wander around these streets. It practically would be asking for troubles, unless they’d grown with— or _lived—_ such lives.

Sehun led him to a club mingled in-between some back streets and Luhan knew, as a fact, that he was on forbidden grounds. As soon as the door opened, Sehun grabbed Luhan’s hand and guided him through the crowds of people who were squashed against each other. The smell of alcohol and sweat was too strong whilst the smell of sex reeked just a bit distinctly. Luhan knew he would not be visiting the restrooms in there.

Both of them reached the farthest corner of the club, moving through bodies, and Luhan found a couple young men sitting across the two couches placed in angle. A table was in front of them and it held far too many bottles and glasses for him to count. With the very little lights, Luhan could barely make out a couple faces and he recognized even less. Sehun went to yell something in one’s ear; a dark-haired young man sitting closest to them. His messy hair and clothes told a naughty tale. The man nodded and then glanced at Luhan, eyes boring into his form from tip to toe, checking his outfit and probably his skin beneath. Then, he showed an expression of no amusement and Luhan wondered if he was under-dressed. Nah, he wasn’t. All his jeans are on the skinny side, and the shirt he wore gave him a district punk style—not that he followed that fashion.

Sehun returned to his side and yelled into his ear; “Sit and I’ll bring you something from the bar.”

Before Luhan could tell him he would prefer to skip drinking alcohol, the young blonde was already gone to somewhere, leaving him with a fair amount of hungry wolves. The trail Sehun left behind him vanished and the brunet turned to face what he had to face. One of them motioned for him to sit with one hand but Luhan wasn’t sure if he actually meant it for him or if it was a simple hand movement while he talked with someone. Luhan went either way. If he was to be awkward, at least he could be while sitting. He took a seat by a tall light-haired young man. Luhan wasn’t sure if he’d seen him before. Actually, the man didn’t even look to be his age. He looked older, much so. He could barely make out his face and, un-doubtfully, Sehun had made handsome friends, Luhan would give him that. Under the dim light, the blonde’s piercing eyes looked at him. Luhan felt a sudden fear grow in him but he hid it. He had a feeling he should just stand up and leave.

*******

Same brown eyes, same dark hair, and Luhan’s hands trembled.

There he was, walking through the door with long strides and holding himself with confidence. The hour was closing to Luhan’s end of shift and he didn’t care if he was here to eat or spend half of his day here—he would be gone as soon as the clock stroke three. Kyungsoo had already come for his own shift, having an obsession with time and the tendency of coming earlier than needed. That didn’t stop Luhan to wonder why the high-schooler was in casual clothing, only to remember that it was yet another Saturday.

Grabbing his notepad and pen, he walked past the male, heading for the booth further away. He could feel his eyes burning his skin but he shrugged it off, he had customers to attend to for the last twenty minutes of his shift. Taking an order from the couple that was of the usual customers, he headed back for the counter only to find the young brunet sitting in a booth by himself. Swallowing his annoyance, he made his way to him. As much as he was irritating, he was also a customer.

“Welcome to Grabs and Meats. What would you like?”

“You.”

The reply made Luhan look up from his pad, eyebrows lost somewhere under his black bangs. The male in front of him had an obnoxious smirk on his face. “Excuse me?”

“How much is a date with you?”

Heaving a sign, Luhan crossed his arms over his chest, almost protecting himself. “I’m sorry but that is not a relevant answer.”

“I’m sorry but I’ll take only that.” The smirk was still there. Now, Luhan really wanted to punch it away.

Groaning in exhaustion, he tsk-ed. “Fine, do as you please.” Turning to leave, he felt fingers snake around his hand and he felt the touch burn him. Shrieking his panic out, Luhan pulled himself away from the younger, eyes wide and in frenzy. The young man stared at him in both surprise and shock as Luhan slipped from his weak grip that felt like restricting chains to him. So many eyes on him, so many judging looks. Luhan swallowed the tears and rushed to the back of the diner under the stares of the customers’, including the young high-schooler.

It was of those times when Luhan was glad Kyungsoo was always early.

*******

The touch was feather-like over his skin, burning every patch of hot skin he caressed. And Luhan could feel something building up in his insides. The music pounded loud over their heads, silencing their rushed breathing. Lights were too dim but Luhan could make out those piercing, lustful eyes from the trembling, colorful lightning. He couldn’t recall when they’d left the group, or how they’d ended up where they were; somewhere at the back of the club, somewhere behind curtains that smelled of sex and booze and told tales of kinky one-night-stands. Not even Sehun had rushed through Luhan’s mind and that alone made him wonder just how everything worked.

He wasn’t given any time to wonder, though. Kris’ hands worked wonders on his skin and every touch made him both moan and cringe as his virgin body reacted too eagerly. It would have made Luhan embarrassed if he wasn’t at such a shaky state. Kris’ lips tasted Vodka and his tongue had hints of something illegal. Whatever it was, Luhan didn’t show any interest in it. Instead, he leaned against the wall, leaning hard with his back, as he looked up at where Kris’ face would be, had there been proper light. He could feel large hands crawling their way up his shirt and his skin itched to be touched more, which made Luhan a bit scared.

Kris whispered something in his ear but Luhan was unable to hear—one hand had gone far too south for him to listen. Anxiety bloomed in his chest, making his heart pound out of both anticipation and stress. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do and the thought of doing anything as private as sex at the back of a club in a random neighborhood made him cringe. It was not that of an appealing thought. He wanted his first time to be something special—with a special person and somewhere that did not stink so much.

Luhan placed his hands on Kris’, trying to give a hint that went unnoticed. It was then that Luhan felt the difference in their hands, their strengths, their _sizes_. Fear blocked his throat and his breathing became rapid as he pushed away the foreign hands from his body, wanting to feel freedom. Kris, however, with an effortless, swift movement, turned Luhan around and cornered him up the wall. Luhan’s whole body and cheek was pressed against the cold wall and hands sneaking up around him once more, but this time less gently. Luhan’s voice was drown by the loud music and his hands started trembling when Kris showed no signs of stopping.

He could feel his throat close as he choked on tears of frustration. He wished for someone to pass by them at that moment with all his might. He even closed his eyes and wished to a God he did not believe in for that to happen, as he felt Kris’ hands over-power his struggles with ease.

But no one came.

And no one was there to gather him up on his feet either, when he was left wearing nothing but his worn dignity, stained tears and a great pile of awful memories.

*******

Luhan walked into the diner looking like—how Kyungsoo had said himself—walking death. He even asked what had happened during those two days Luhan had asked to take off after the incident with the high-school student. Luhan answered a characteristic “Hell found me”. The black haired had seen himself in the mirror the same morning and boy, did he look awful. The bags under his eyes had doubled in both size and colour after he spent two nights unable to get good enough rest. Instead, he wasted those two nights surfing the internet in search of new, stronger sleeping pills, since not even those he had were good anymore.

The younger grabbed his bag from the back of the diner and left as fast as he wanted, saying something about having a date in the evening. Luhan wished him good luck with it. The door closed after Kyungsoo and he was once again left alone with so many people.

The sun was still pretty high in the sky and there were a lot of customers munching on their lunch. The whole shop was filled with chatters and laughter and Luhan leaned back against the counter, eyes watching over them in case anyone needed anything or a plate was emptied.

Luhan never bragged about working such job. For starters, it was crap. It was tiring, the hours too long and he always had so many things to do. The restrictive shirts were also annoying and hot and made him sweat like a pig during the hottest days of summer. Second, it barely paid his bills. His boss had made a couple raises to his wage since his second year at the diner, but he still merely made through his monthly expenses. And lastly, Luhan never thought retail was a job to brag about. No one was considered smart or pretty for doing the job—maybe, just _maybe_ the later, since you had to be at least charming to work with people. Otherwise, it was a hard job anyone could do and no one needed a special degree to accomplish it.

Which, in Luhan’s opinion, put him under the low-life category. Middle-class, with no degree—since he dropped off the university just a couple months after what had happened with Kris. He regretted it, yes. And if he was given the chance, he would actually finish his classes and study to pass the final exams. But he wasn’t, and he had no time for that, so he had given on that thought a long while ago. He was sure Sehun had finished his bachelor’s and was now working, hopefully, as a game developer, like he had wanted. As for Luhan, he was glad he was still alive. Every choice in his life brought him where he stood and the little luck he had brought him a late customer just before midnight.

The ‘closed’ sign was turned on the door and the lights were dim now that Luhan was just cleaning everything after the hectic day and making preparations for the following one. The door, however, was unlocked and when Luhan heard it open, he was ready to tell the person off only to freeze. There stood a young man with hair so familiar and eyes so shining, yet all dark. Dark clothing and face showing signs of tiredness. Luhan’s skin started itching and it took him so much to not run to the back and hide from him. The wrist the young man had grabbed on a couple days before burned and Luhan, subconsciously, hid it behind his back, away from sight.

Luhan gulped; “We’re closed”.

The tall male student turned around, grabbed on the sigh hanging on the glass door of the shop and turned it around. Looking back at the waiter, the corner of his lips tugged a bit. “Not anymore, apparently.”

Luhan wasn’t sure what he should do next, and he surely didn’t know what to do with the male. “You should really leave,” Luhan said in defeat but the other’s determination didn’t waver.

The high schooler approached him with sure and confident steps, stopping when he saw the waiter’s hand twitch. He leaned a bit downwards, head tilted to the side just the slightest, and a weak, loose smirk playing on plump lips as wide dark brown eyes stared in something akin to amusement. And he voiced something that made Luhan’s blood run cold.

“You will have to _make_ me move.”


	2. Antilipsi

Antilipsi   
n.   
From the Greek word _αντίληψη_ meaning   
  
1.Perception  
2.Understanding  
3.Comprehension  
4.Realization  
5.Apprehension

 

##  **Chapter Two**

Luhan stayed in one place, eyes staring at the other. He had no clue as to what he was supposed to do. He, however, was sure that the other knew, or at least had a whiff of Luhan’s deepest secrets. Hence the precise choice of words. It made Luhan terrified now that they were alone in the diner with no one to call for help. He wanted to run and escape everything but he wasn’t that lucky, and apparently, the other read his intentions, blocking his view of the door as soon as his eyes caught sight of it.

“How about I walk you home?” Luhan looked at him with a frown. “I won’t harm you, I promise.” That didn’t convince Luhan.

“I think I’ve made it pretty clear that I don’t want you around,” he replied, keeping his voice low enough so his fear wouldn’t show.

“You have, but I also think I have made it pretty clear that I won’t give up. I’ll keep coming here if I don’t get what I want.”

Luhan made a distasteful sound; “Rich kids”. The other didn’t reply so he guessed he was right. He grabbed the last things and walked to the back, glancing over his shoulder a couple times to make sure the male didn’t follow him—he didn’t, he stayed put in one place. He made the last work before checking twice and thrice that everything was ready for the morning. Coming back into the main room from the back, he found the male student sitting on a chair by the door, hands crossed over his chest and, most likely, waiting for Luhan.

His presence made Luhan anxious. He didn’t like being watched, he wasn’t something to stare at either.  He had no manners despite being so many years younger than Luhan. Had he been more up-front, Luhan would have voiced his irritation. But he wasn’t. So he did his best with ignoring him until it was time to leave and he stood in front of the male just a couple metres away.

“You should go out. If you don’t, I’ll just lock you in.” Luhan’s tone was of defeat and although he hated it, suddenly he was too tired to care. The dark-haired male sucked all of his energy out without as much as doing something.

The male stood up, walking out through the door, leaving a distressed Luhan behind to push the chair he’d been sitting in, back into its place. Following the other’s steps out, Luhan locked the shop and started for his way home.

“Do you want to go for a drink with me now that you’re all finished?”

“No. Good night.”

Luhan noticed how the young man was following him and as much as that confused him, it also made him anxious. He didn’t want to stress over small things but it’s been literally years since someone walked with him. Suddenly, he hated the other’s presence even more.

“Can you stop following me?”

“I’m not.” The young male skipped to catch up with Luhan only to make him stop with a stomp. “My house is this way.”

“Then go ahead.” Luhan motioned with his hands down the road as if to emphasize his words. “Get a headstart.”

He could see the frown on his face even at this poor lightning.

“Why can’t we just walk together?”

Luhan wanted to hit him so hard but he knew he couldn’t get physical with him. Besides, from his arm muscles, Luhan was sure he could over-power him without much effort—not that Luhan had noticed.

“Because I don’t like walking with others. Now go.” Luhan shoo’ed him with his hands but seeing how the other didn’t move an inch, he grumbled curses under his breath before walking again. Although the other didn’t catch up with him again, he could hear his distant footsteps metres behind him.

Luhan could breathe easier but the thought of the other didn’t cease to bring him thoughts of paranoia. In the end, he just took some turns and entered a building. When the other was out of sight, Luhan exited through the door and continued his way home. He didn’t want to be paranoid but thoughts swam around his head whispering the ‘if’s and it was enough for him to hide.

If only he knew back then that the young man was not done yet.

** *** **

Jongin was there from that day and on and although Luhan wasn’t much fond of his presence when he was doing the last of his work, he didn’t mind the sudden new company on his way home. After parting with Sehun and not establishing new relationships with others, to have someone so close to him made him feel both content and anxious.

Slowly, Luhan noticed that, as the days passed, Jongin would walk closer to him to the point that in two week’s time, they were walking alongside. Jongin had even walked him to his door— the real one this time. Three weeks ago, Luhan wouldn’t imagine having someone walk him home. He would be paranoid only by the thought of it. But he knew Jongin was not like that. He knew that, compared to Kris, Jongin held much purer intentions. More childlike, if Luhan had to be specific.

It didn’t match well with his choices of clothes. Like tonight, Jongin was coated in leather. His jacket was thick and had silver studs in a punk fashion which made Luhan remember his own taste back in the days. His shirt was a deep red color and most likely had the logo of some metal band Luhan didn’t know, and his jeans were as black as the night, sporting some tears that showed some patches of Jongin’s slightly tan skin when he bent his knees. His hair, however, was a mess that was, surprisingly enough, perfect.

Luhan never understood his fashion, but then again, he never judged because deep inside, he liked the strong front the younger set around him.

“So, you have a day off tomorrow?”

They rarely engaged any conversation. Luhan preferred it like that. Tonight, Jongin was feeling a bit talkative, having spent half of the way mumbling away about himself. Luhan had gotten to know he was in his first year of University, studying business. He also got to know that Jongin had always wanted to be a dance teacher but, since his parents were in the business industry and had a couple companies to leave Jongin with when they would retire, they had persuaded him into business. Jongin found the time to complain about his parents to Luhan which the latter found both annoying and amusing.

Luhan had also gotten to know that Jongin would spend his weekdays drunk and skip classes for the sake of it. On weekends he was rarely found at home. Then, Jongin talked about one time he’d woken up in Japan because his drunk self, along with two of his friends, found it funny and adventurous to go. Jongin proceeded to say that his parents were not so amused when they found out.

Luhan, however, was.

So young and reckless, Luhan was almost jealous. Having the money, the time and the youth; so many adventured started with just those three. Compared to his life, Jongin seemed to have lived through more despite being much younger than him. Luhan wondered if he would do the same if he was young, handsome and the owner of a black credit card. He most likely would.

“Yes.” Luhan’s answer came late and short but he knew the younger had gotten used to him sounding like this. Having a proper conversation with Luhan was as rare as finding both moon and sun over your head at the same hour.

“And what are you planning to do?”

Luhan shrugged; “Nothing.” Like every time.

“Do you want to go for a coffee with me?” Luhan glanced at Jongin and he saw something flash through his brown eyes. He wasn’t sure if he liked it or not.

He decided with the later. “No.”

Jongin almost felt defeated. “Why not? Why not give it a chance?”

“Because if that chance turned out sour…” Luhan trailed off, not sure of how to tell the other without saying too much. He went with the thought that it’d be better left like this.

“But what if it turns out sweet?”

“Ah, look. We’re here!” Luhan was glad to all possible Gods over-watching him and mentally thanked them for the escape route. Stepping to the entrance of his apartment building, he tried to hint the other he was not welcomed to come up the stairs with him tonight. Not when he’d given that question. “I’ll see you in two days, I guess.”

Jongin didn’t hide how much displeased he was. Luhan almost felt sorry. _Almost_.

“Alright. Get a lot of rest tomorrow.”

Something tugged in Luhan when he watched the younger’s back turned at him. “Jongin!”

The younger looked back, his eyes suddenly hopeful.

“Don’t skip classes tomorrow, okay?”

Jongin’s smile was torn as he nodded his head, and that only made Luhan think over through everything.

_What if it turns out sweet?_

** *** **

It’s been three days since Luhan last saw Jongin. Luhan wanted to tell him how he’d listened to Jongin and gotten a lot of rest and sleep, how he’d spent the whole day under warm blankets, eating fresh-made pancakes and watching sappy films on the television. He wondered if Jongin would joke he’d had a _wild_ day—he probably would. Luhan also wanted to ask Jongin if he’d listened to him. Something in him told him Jongin hadn’t.

It was the first time he’d felt lonely at this late hour. Having to finish everything without having someone to impress with his speed or someone to hurry to, he moved at a very slow pace. Everything took twice the time and both nights Luhan had left from the diner at one in the morning. The walk home wasn’t any shorter either. Luhan kept stopping every few metres or so to make sure no one was rushing after him. The second night, he gave up.

Next day he was at day-break in the diner, wearing his uniform that hugged his figure nicely and warmly in the weather that had started to become colder. Snow would be coming earlier this year, or so everyone on the news said. Luhan wasn’t much fond of the cold. Such weather would only make him miss something warm and recently, it’d been something other than his blankets.

At around one at noon, a group of young men walked through the door and before Luhan could feel distaste at the disrespectful youth, he found Jongin among them. Same punk fashion, same messy hair. Luhan was about to go and yell at him why he was here instead of classes when he remembered it was Saturday. He was very glad he’d thought through it before going up to them. That’d have been a mess.

However, he didn’t do a step towards their direction. Instead, he looked for his co-worker. “Kyungsoo, there’s a new table at your side.” Kyungsoo’s schedule had been made to fit Luhan’s and both of them would work together now that the weather was getting bad and more people looked for somewhere quiet and cozy to eat at. Their boss had hired two new waiters but Luhan didn’t even want to know what those two were up to on the other shift, having seen how clumsy one was and how the second had never held a tray before in his life.

“Can you go?” Kyungsoo asked from the other side of the counter. Luhan guessed he had lost his notepad again. Lately, Kyungsoo would be very forgetful and Luhan wondered if it had to do with a certain girl he’d kept talking about. Luhan found Kyungsoo in love so cute.

“Alright, but you owe me,” Luhan replied, faking annoyance, fully knowing that Kyungsoo was aware of him joking. Making his way to the new table, Luhan tried to avoid Jongin’s burning eyes. He also avoided showing distaste when one of the young men in the company leaned close to Luhan asking for anything sweet. Luhan talked cold, he didn’t like that guy anyways.

“We only have what’s on the menu. No specials today.”

Jongin’s eyes were piercing through him and Luhan felt his fingers tremble a bit and his stance falter. Having not seen him in a bit over three days made him feel closed-up again in front of him. He wanted to ask Jongin so many things, though. Unfortunately, there were too many people and he was most likely not welcomed into the company, especially when he was on his shift.

“I’ll take my usual.” Jongin’s voice was passive but his stare was so strong that Luhan forgot to look away.

Another voice brought him to reality when another friend of Jongin’s said his order. Luhan quickly scribbled everything into his pad, failing to notice how his letters were nothing but mere draft lines. His hand was trembling more now and Luhan blamed it on Jongin’s friends although he knew they were not at fault. It was Jongin. For missing so many days, for making Luhan feel lonely at midnight and walking home alone. It was Jongin’s fault Luhan was trembling again, it was _all_ _Jongin’s_ _fault_.

The pen slipped from his hand, falling on the ground and Luhan froze. It slid under the table and under the eyes of the group of friends, he swallowed his pride away. There was no way he’d bend and catch _that_ when it was under a person. Raising his eyes, he faced the students. “Do you want anything else?”

Jongin was quick to dismiss him; “No, you may go.”

Luhan would have to thank him later on.

With his back turned, he heard some snickers. “What’s wrong with him? Being a waiter is not that hard!”.

He didn’t hear Jongin reply which saddened him. He scratched the thank you away.

** *** **

At three straight Luhan was rushing through the back door. He hadn’t completely forgotten about Jongin. In fact, the younger was still sitting with his friends in the booth, probably –or maybe, hopefully—waiting for Luhan’s shift to end. Luhan wasn’t sure if the brunet was waiting for him or if he and his company were caught up and hadn’t noticed the time fly.

The past days Luhan had fallen back into his simple routine and as much as he denied it, deep down he knew it felt lonely now that he was walking home alone.

“Luhan!”

It was sudden and Luhan looked over his shoulder only to scowl. Jongin was running to catch up with him, choking on air when his breath came short. Luhan blamed it on the cigarettes since Jongin smoked like a chimney every day.

“I was waiting for you.” Jongin’s pants came out dry. He most likely spent the night drunk, Luhan assumed.

“I didn’t know you were waiting for me.” Luhan tried his best to sound dismissive but it probably came out cold.

“I was. Why didn’t you go out through the front?”

Luhan clicked his tongue against his teeth, glancing at the other. “Because I’m staff. I go out through the back.”

“That hadn’t stopped you a month ago.”

“What do you know?” Luhan hissed, annoyed. He picked up his pace, leaving Jongin behind. Both knew the younger was right but something in Luhan remained angry at the other.

“Yeah, you’re right.” Sarcasm was dripping from Jongin’s mouth like poison. “Are you this angry because I didn’t come the past two days? I thought you hated me!”

Luhan couldn’t but spare a glance around the two of them; not many people stared. “I’m not angry.” He fixed his tone when Jongin stared at him un-amused. “Just had a rough day at work.”

“You’re lying and you’re also bad at it.”

Luhan stopped in his tracks, turning to look at Jongin with flaming eyes. “I want to walk alone. I don’t need you to babysit me.” He muttered, a frown over his eyes as he found Jongin copy his expression. “I can handle being by myself.”

They spared a moment of silence until Jongin growled a low “fine!” before storming to the direction of the diner. Luhan refused to feel guilty but it didn’t stop him from feeling like crap. He wasn’t even sure if he was still angry with Jongin. He should be. After all, the younger did abandon him for three days. How could Luhan be content by having to walk back home with no one talking? How could he without hearing his footsteps and feel his presence?

Luhan blamed Jongin for everything. He was the one who’d cause all this. He was responsible. Not Luhan.

Right?

** *** **

Not having something to anticipate made Luhan fall back into a meaningless routine in which everything would roll quietly and fall into place without any day standing out through the week. He hadn’t seen or heard from Jongin for at least seven days and it was making him feel insane. He’d noticed his friends coming to eat but Jongin was never with them.

Was he hangover again? Was he eating at the university? Was he attending extra classes?

Luhan was glad he was too shy and timid to ask Jongin’s friends about his whereabouts. He guessed it had to do also with his ego—he didn’t want Jongin to think he had been waiting for him each day. Which he had and therefore made him pathetic.

Luhan mentally laughed at himself. Who was Jongin to cause such a mess in his head? He was merely a student Luhan shouldn’t even know. But something in him kept whispering in his head to call him whilst his logic argued it was too late to search for the younger’s first note with his cell phone number.

It had already ended up in some dumpster far away. Probably thrown right where his rational mindset was.

The second week Luhan made peace with himself that there was no way Jongin would come back. And by the third, he’d given up on seeing him ever again.

“Still waiting, huh?” Kyungsoo asked from the counter and Luhan shrugged. He hadn’t told anything to him, he’d guessed everything himself. “You should give up the hopes. It’s been weeks since he last came here.”

“I know.” Three weeks and two days in total of Jongin’s absence since he popped up in Luhan’s everyday life. He wasn’t keeping tabs, though. “How are things with Hana?” Luhan decided to play on safer grounds.

Something in the way Kyungsoo’s eyes started sparkling and how a smile stretched on his lips made Luhan jealous. It wasn’t that he envied how the other had gotten into a relationship. Despite having no experience, he wasn’t missing _that_. He was, however, wishing to have someone bright up at the thought of him just like Kyungsoo had at the mention of Hana. He had no doubts that true love was like that and Luhan had started to feel empty the past weeks as he realized how long it’s been since he hugged or was hugged by someone.

“Everything’s perfect. We’re planning on going on a small trip next weekend since she can get two days off then.”

“That’s why you asked for an extra day off,” Luhan mumbled in realization. He didn’t mind it. In fact, he wanted Kyungsoo to have some mini vacation time with his girlfriend. Relax and whatnot. At this moment, it didn’t even bother him that he’d have to work twice the hours and also with the two new waiters. “I hope you have fun.”

“Oh, we will!” Kyungsoo replied with a smile that was so bright it blinded Luhan. “I have planned so many things and we have so many places to visit.”

And then it went; Kyungsoo listing out all the things he’d gotten ready for the two day leave. From romantic dinners at the sea-side to mountain climbing and Luhan was immersed in thought. He just wished to be able to do all that.

If only he’d _deserve_ any of that.

** *** **

Next time he saw Jongin was almost four weeks since he had disappeared. Working the night shift again, Luhan was alone at the shop when the younger entered through the door. His clothes were rugged, his appearance was dirty and his looks were ruined. Luhan let the tray back on the table and rushed to him. From a much closer angle, he could see the black spots and cuts on the other’s face as well as a torn lip that was in the middle of healing.

“What happened to you?” Luhan breathed out. Jongin’s tired eyes only stared at him and the male let a small smirk show. Luhan swallowed a hiss at the way the stretching tore the cut open.

“Why hello to you too!”

Luhan frowned, making a go to place his fingers on the other’s face but returning his hands to his sides mid-way through. “It’s no time to be sarcastic.”

Jongin slipped into a chair, his sleepy eyes looking up and a shrug of his shoulders; “Can I ask for a favor?”

Luhan frowned, his heart beating fast after he slightly nodded his head.

“Can I sleep over at your place just for tonight?”


	3. Emmoni

Emmoni  
n.  
From the Greek word _εμμονή_ meaning  
1.Firmness  
2.Obsession  
3.Persevelance  
4.Persistance  
5.Tenacity

 

##  **Chapter Three**

Luhan’s heart was about to burst. He unlocked the door which led to his apartment, turning to find Jongin leaning heavily against the corridor’s wall. It was the first time in so long for him to allow someone in his home and as much as he was paranoid about the sudden visitor, he couldn’t leave Jongin hanging. Although he should have; but he didn’t. Somewhere between the rugged appearance of the younger and the exhausted look in his dark eyes, Luhan was sure he couldn’t.

Fast forward to now.

Luhan was skittish. He was sitting on the couch in his two room apartment after pulling two thick blankets for the younger. Jongin had insisted he could sleep on the couch and Luhan was glad—he wouldn’t give away his bed that easily. He could hear the faint sound of water splashing and he felt as if he sat on needles. As much as he tried, he couldn’t calm down his nerves so when he heard the water stop, he dashed into the kitchen.

Jongin popped up a couple minutes later and Luhan shot him a glance. His clothes looked childish on Jongin by the way they were short and small-sized. Luhan turned to look around when his mind started registering the way Jongin’s muscles showed under the beige long-sleeved shirt which he may or may have not chosen for that exact reason.

“What are you doing?” Jongin asked as he approached and Luhan turned to step back.

“I’m hungry.”

It seemed to be enough of an answer as Jongin stopped coming closer and Luhan could take another breath. Those muscles could over-power him without effort.

“Why didn’t you eat at the diner? You always said you were full when I asked you out after work.” Luhan had lost count on how many times he’d use that excuse. Much like every other.

“I was so busy today I didn’t have time.”

Jongin didn’t seem convinced but Luhan didn’t care. He was borrowing his apartment for the night so he shouldn’t be given the right to ask so many things. Come to think of it; “Why do you want to stay here tonight?” Luhan noted how Jongin’s skin looked less stained after the bath.

“Some stuff came up.”

“Elaborate,” Luhan pressed and Jongin looked away for a second.

“My friends were not amused with the fact I am gay.” Luhan stood dumfounded, eyes blinking in realization. How could he talk like that to a stranger? “Not amused at all.” Jongin motioned for his face.

“Nice friends you have…” Luhan mumbled and Jongin gave another shrug. “And why didn’t you just go home instead of here?”

“Because I have someone to talk to here who understands me.”

He wasn’t sure of what to think or say, feeling attacked. The few words held so much accusation and so many hints it made him uncomfortable. He cleared his throat, a small frown over his eyes. He could feel the awkwardness—or it was just him—and it made him feel as if he should comfort the other. But he didn’t know how. “I’m not hungry anymore.” Luhan didn’t bother to place the eggs and vegetables back into the fridge and instead opted to make a run for his room.

“Good night,” he mumbled and as he passed the younger, he sensed movement. With a fast swift move of his body, Luhan distanced himself from Jongin. He found him staring with understanding eyes and pulled his hand back. Luhan wouldn’t know what he’d do, had Jongin caught him again. He’d probably scream.

Meeting Jongin’s eyes, Luhan mumbled again; “Good night”. He didn’t wait to hear an answer.

***

It was one of those nights again when Luhan couldn’t get any sleep. Images would appear so vividly that he left his uncomfortable bed before the tears would spill. The whole apartment was eerily quiet until he reached the kitchen’s door. Faint breaths reached his ears. Walking into the kitchen and grabbing a glass of water, he made his way with silent steps to the living room. There, on the couch, Jongin was sleeping so deeply Luhan actually envied him.

He couldn’t but wonder how he could do that; sleep when he too had problems. How could he shut down everything and fall asleep? Luhan noted to ask him at some point. Luhan moved to grab the television’s control and switched it off. Jongin had been watching a movie which had obviously already rolled its credits on the screen. He glanced again at the younger and he felt a bit of disappointment when he couldn’t make out his face in the dark.

Making his way back into the kitchen, he sat at the dinner table and sipped on his water slowly. The cold was keeping him awake yet the distant steady snoring coming from the other room lulled him into the darkness.

***

When Luhan opened his eyes, he was in his bed, all tucked up and warm. He couldn’t remember when he’d gone back and he was sure his last memory of the previous night was when he’d been sitting in the kitchen. Unless— _no_.

Luhan shot up wide awake and eyes at the size of the moon each. He ran for the living room and found the blankets and his clothes folded and sitting atop the couch along with a note over them. He hadn’t even realized he was holding his breath when he read it.

You looked pretty uncomfortable sleeping like that and I didn’t want you to get a cold. Sorry.

P.S Thank you for letting me in. I owe you one.

His skin sent chills but he noticed how the other hadn’t taken any advantage of him. Then the thought was born that maybe, just _maybe_ , not everyone was like Kris.

And Luhan found himself unable of stopping it grow.

***

“Alright.”

Jongin stared at the older with a deep confused frown. As usual, they had just walked out of the diner at a little after midnight and, as always, Jongin had asked the other if he wanted to go eat with him. He’d gotten so used to hearing _no_ that he couldn’t believe his ears when Luhan chose another reply.

“What?” he managed to make out and Luhan sent him a small smile.

“I don’t mind. I’m quite hungry anyways.”

Jongin kept staring at him as if he was about to shout _I’m kidding you dumb did you really think I would change my mind?_ but that never came and it made him more uneasy. Luhan, on the other hand, looked as calm as never. He was panicking inside but it’d been three days that he’d prepared himself for this. He judged himself ready. Besides, something in him had gotten tired of those seven uneventful years.

“Really?”

Luhan nodded and that was enough to make the younger start talking animatedly about which shops were open at that hour and where they could go and what they could eat and even mentioned that Luhan could have anything he wanted because he was paying. Luhan wasn’t that fond of the last one but he let the other lead the way, kind of enjoying the sudden shine Jongin had showed.

It made him look his age and that was something, considering his looks were so dark.

It’d become a habit after that. When Luhan would finish his shift, they’d go to a ramen shop just a street down and would eat. It’d become their place since day one when Luhan insisted he didn’t want a place with too many people and this one was the coziest of them all. They’d sit one opposite of the other and Jongin would start talking about his day, telling everything he did to Luhan and Luhan did enjoy hearing the numerous adventures he had although not necessary agreeing to all of them.

Jongin told stories of when he was drunk, of when he’d woken up at questioning places and of when he almost got married with a girl because he was too influenced by alcohol and the girl adored him. He told stories of when he was caught smoking on the rooftop of his school and how that’d caused a circle of events ending in his teacher asking sorry when Jongin’s mother accused him of lying. And there were so many more stories Jongin shared that had Luhan often laugh.

“You should limit your drinking, though.” Luhan was wiping tears from his eyes and that was something he hadn’t done in so long. “You’re still so young and you’re ruining yourself.”

Jongin shrugged. “Hyung, you have to live every day as if it’s the last one. You’ll never be this young again in your life so you have to fit all the fun stuff in before it’s too late.”

It took Luhan by surprise. The often child-like student was speaking of wise words as if it was nothing. He’d made such a sudden change in the conversation and as much as Luhan hated it, he did admit the younger was right. He was sure it was too late for himself, though.

“That doesn’t necessary mean that you can do fun stuff only when drunk.”

“It’s much easier when your deepest desires take over you. Drinking only makes you learn what kind of person you really are because at that kind of state, you don’t have any control over the mask you wear around everyone.”

Those words made Luhan over-think that night.

***

Luhan felt as if this would be something he’d regret. On the other hand, a part of him strongly believed it’d be not.

There was a blurry trance around him. The lights blinded him to some degree and he wasn’t sure if he liked it or not. Sure enough, it was a new feeling and had he not drunk those few shots of soju back at the diner with Jongin, he knew he wouldn’t be able to even walk through the huge crowd.

That night, when Jongin came late at night, he found Luhan sitting at a table with a bottle of alcohol and two glasses. The younger wasn’t sure if what he saw was actually part of reality until Luhan invited him closer and offered a shot. He didn’t hesitate and by the way the older downed one with him, made him a bit suspicious.

“You’re not really taking my words literally, are you?” he asked as he stared at the other with doubt. It was the first time he found the ever timid Luhan with alcohol in hand, much less downing it as if it’s water.

“I might do just that” was Luhan’s calm response which confused Jongin more than ever. “Who knows what am I holding back?”

Now, Jongin looked back at Luhan and he felt as if the older had really lost his mind. Dancing among strangers, the drink in his hand taking rough shakes and he could imagine the alcohol dripping down his fingers and hand even though he could not see a thing with so little lightning. Luhan looked like a whole different person. Strange as it was, Jongin kind of liked how more open he’d turned out to become with every sip of the drinks he got even if they were small ones. Either way, it was refreshing to watch the older more at ease than ever.

Jongin made his way towards the other when he noticed how he had trouble dealing with some women and pulled him to the side, the music covering the whines Luhan let. He’d ignore them anyways. Who knew where he would end up in, had Jongin let him some more with the women. A glance at the other assured him that Luhan had already forgotten about what had happened and he was currently looking around as if to admire the colorful lights.

The tables had turned and for the first time ever, it was Jongin who was taking care of drunk people. It was the first time he was perfectly sober in such an environment and had he not been stuck like this, he’d probably been taking care of the Luhan’s admirers by now.

When the clock hit three, Jongin decided it was enough of a night and he guided Luhan out of the club. The older was still holding onto the glass of his last cocktail and Jongin noted to return it the next day since Luhan refused to give it back at that moment.

“But I don’t want to go home yet!” Luhan whined, slipping from Jongin’s grip and losing balance. His hands few to the nearby wall and Jongin grimaced when the tall glass shattered on the ground. Maybe he wouldn’t be able to return it after all. He grabbed onto Luhan again, helping him walk as he kept on going how his apartment was evil and dark and cold and held monsters behind its walls that would whisper to him horrible things at night.

“I’ll stay over if it makes it better,” Jongin offered only to have Luhan mumble about how that didn’t help; the monsters would lurk out either way. The way back to Luhan’s apartment was a misery but Jongin was more than thankful when the building came into view. Somehow, both of them had wandered so far away and by the time they reached the door to his apartment, Luhan had sobered up a bit. Jongin was also glad he’d taken Luhan’s possessions in his own hands or he was sure they’d be sleeping in a nearby park. Having helped Luhan up the stairs and through the door, he shut it and took in a deep breath. He was so tired.

He watched Luhan slowly make his way to the couch only to plop into it face first. His hair was a mess and the homey and cozy apartment started to stink alcohol, and had Jongin not been so fond of the way it normally smelt, he wouldn’t have noticed the sudden change.

“Hey, Luhan,” he tried and the addressed male muttered a distant _yeah_ through the cushions. “I’ll be going, okay? Can you handle everything?” Luhan shot up, eyes wide and suddenly expressing so much fear. Jongin thought Luhan had actually seen a ghost.

“No, please don’t! They’ll come and they’ll say so many horrible things again!”

“Who will?”

“Them.” Luhan pointed to his head. “They’ll just make me crazy again, Jongin. Crazy!”

The elder looked so fragile all of a sudden and Jongin felt unsure of what to do. Sober Luhan would be enraged, would he spend another night here. But drunk Luhan was so frail Jongin risked being yelled at the next day. He made his way to the couch, crunching close to Luhan’s form. “What do they do to you?” he might as well.

“They’ll make him appear and make everything he did to me so real it hurts me again, Jongin. It’s like he’s here with me again.”

“Who? Who is him, Luhan?”

“Kris. He’ll do the things he did to me again, Jongin. Please don’t let him do it.”

“What did he do, Luhan?” Jongin couldn’t keep himself from pressing on. Sober Luhan had revealed close to nothing about himself and to see the other so physically tortured pained him so much.

“He raped me.” Now, tears were falling from Luhan’s eyes and he sat up, already chocking on sobs. “He did so many things to me…”

Truthfully, Jongin wasn’t sure how to react. Everything seemed to make sense, even to some degree, and he tried to pull more from him; “When did he do that?”

“Years ago, when I was still in University. Can you believe it, Jongin? I’m such a loser because I dropped out after what happened.” Jongin quickly gathered the other in his arms, sitting by his side and it felt weird to have him this close when normally, Luhan would stay at least a metre away from him.

“You’re not a loser, Luhan. Don’t think like that about yourself.”

“I’m a damned waiter. I have been for almost a decade already. I work for crumbles and barely make it through.” Luhan chocked on his sobs; “I truly _am_ a loser!”

Jongin decided to leave this for another time. Maybe he’d have a chance to bring it up when the elder would be at a better state. For now, he had to calm him down and put him to sleep and asking everything he wanted would only make the matter worse. So he opted to just rock the older in his arms, cooing how he was there now and that he was safe. After a while, Luhan stopped mumbling about that not being enough and his sobs quieted down.

When Jongin was almost sure Luhan had fallen asleep, he heard a low whisper.

“Don’t let him hurt me again, Jongin.”

Another minute of silence and Jongin was sure he’d fallen asleep. The trip of getting the elder into his bed was tiring and when he changed him into spare clothes and tucked him in, a hand flew out for him.

“Sleep here.”

Biting the inside of his cheek, Jongin gave in and lay by Luhan’s side only to have the other curl into him. The last time he heard Luhan’s voice that night was so small he had to guess most of it and as many times as he tried to change what he thought he heard, it all turned out to be one mumble of _you smell so sweet_.

***

What woke Jongin up the following morning was a scream. He shot up, eyes wide, only to face an equally shocked Luhan staring at him with rage in his stare.

“What are you doing here?! What did you do to me?!”

Jongin flayed his hands around as he tried to defend himself from fists that were too weak all the while hearing so many swear words coming through Luhan’s mouth and towards him. “I didn’t do anything!” When that didn’t help, he grabbed onto the elder’s hands and held them down.

“You’re lying!”

“Goddamn it Luhan we’re fucking dressed!”

It seemed that that was enough to calm Luhan down as he looked down at himself and then at Jongin—both fully dressed. He lost his words until he registered Jongin’s hold on him. As if the same thought passed Jongin’s head, he retrieved his hands. “I wouldn’t do anything to you at that state you were! What did you have me for?”

Luhan grimaced. “Why? Would you do otherwise?”

Jongin swallowed the reply of _maybe I would, had you not been drunk_ , thinking it wouldn’t be wise of a move of him. “You asked me to stay here with you because you were scared.”

Luhan felt the colors drain from his face and he jumped out of bed. “I was not scared of anything. I was just bluffing.”

“I know.”

“Yeah, I had too many drinks and wasn’t aware of what I was saying so—

“I _know_.”

Luhan froze. He couldn’t remember what he had told Jongin but whatever it was, it was _too_ much. “No you—

“You told me about Kris. What happened when you were in University. You told me it still haunts you.” Jongin could see Luhan shutter inside but he pressed on, knowing that it was now or never. “Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“Because it’s something I try to bury in me, Jongin! It’s a burden I didn’t want anyone to know!” Luhan burst and suddenly, he felt more like exposed than angry. “It was something you, of all people, were not supposed to know about.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because you wouldn’t care anyways. It’s been so long so it doesn’t change anything with you knowing.”

“Well, then,” Jongin huffed “It shouldn’t affect you that much either. It’s been so many years, right? Why does it still affect you?”

Luhan couldn’t answer so he walked to the bedroom’s door, opening it and pointing out. “Can you leave?” When Jongin didn’t as much as bulge, he added a “Please?”.

Jongin just pulled the covers and lay down, back at the elder. “No. Drunk Luhan told me to stay here until everything would go away.”

“That’ll take fucking years!”

“So be it!”

Luhan had never felt so much frustration before. He was about to rip his hair right out of his skull. As if on impulse, he strode to the bed and jumped on Jongin, trying to get a hold onto him. The two of them broke into a fit of attack and defense—Luhan tried to hurt Jongin whilst the other easily avoided the weak hits. They tumbled around on the bed until Jongin slipped and fell off it, pulling Luhan along whose legs had caught on the covers. They ended up on the floor and Jongin quickly grabbed onto Luhan’s arms, trying to recover from the pain that shot through his back and head from the fall.

“Can you please take a break!?” Jongin yelled up at Luhan who stopped resisting. Jongin felt content the fight came to a break and he weakened the hold on Luhan. “Can we talk this out?”

Luhan frowned even deeper, obviously displeased. “No!”

Half hour later, Jongin was sitting at the dinner table pressing some bag of frozen peas against the side of his face. For a weak person overall, Luhan had hit him with the most strength he could muster and now, much calmer, he was standing by the counter sipping on a mug of coffee. The elder placed another mug in front of Jongin who took it with a mumble of thanks.

The steam had left Luhan as soon as he’d planted the punch into Jongin’s cheek and had scrambled off him in seconds. Minutes later, he nursed him the best he could, all the while talking about how he deserved it. Maybe he had, Jongin wasn’t sure anymore.

“If it’s too bitter, I can bring you sugar.”

“No, I like it bitter,” Jongin grimaced as he took a sip. Something horrible like this would definitely wake him up, if the punch and the pain were not enough. “So, what are you planning to do now?” When Luhan looked confused, he explained; “Will you kick me out of here and never talk to me again or what?”

“Well, that obviously didn’t work so…” Luhan trailed before he sighed. He felt so tired already and it was barely nine in the morning. “It’s just weird to tell someone after so many years. It’s not anything easy to look so weak.”

“Having a bad experience doesn’t necessary make you weak, Luhan. If anything, having someone understand you completely will help you move on.”

The sparkle of interest in Luhan’s eyes assured Jongin that he was doing a smooth job so far.

“You really think so?”

“Of course. It’s not weakness to accept someone’s help and I’ll do my best so that you can forget what happened.” Jongin let a small smirk show; “I promise”.

Maybe he had finally broken through the walls Luhan had built and Jongin knew that’d change a lot, considering how Luhan actually thought through it and was willing to accept that facts thrown at him that very moment. Everything seemed less complicated now for Jongin and he gave another promise but this time to himself; heal whatever scars Luhan had been carrying for years.

That’d be much of work.


	4. Vaphkalima

Vaphkalima  
n.  
From the Greek word _βαυκάλημα_ meaning  
1.Lulling a baby to sleep, putting a baby to sleep  
2\. (metaphorical) The act of comforting someone with lies and/or fake expectations

##  **Chapter Four**

Luhan could see Jongin sweat and bleed the upcoming days. He truly had kept his promise and when Luhan was put to work two shifts for two extra days after Kyungsoo called and said he wouldn’t make it because there was a storm and the flight was postponed, Jongin would spend most of his day at the diner. However, now he sat by himself, having parted ways with his friends since the incident way back. Luhan would insist he studied instead of playing arcade games on his phone and he’d often check on him or pop up when Jongin waved at him for some help on some Math problem or some theorem.

Luhan came to know that Jongin was, in fact, a very smart young man and had he been always studying, Luhan knew he’d be at the top of not only his class but also his University. He had voiced that but Jongin just kept on going how he was lackey at this and that and how he was not smart, it was Luhan who was too old and easily amused. Luhan didn’t appreciate the joke and didn’t help him for the next two hours, leaving him alone in the hell pit that was Math.

Jongin was the best thing during those four days he was working two shifts. The worst were the two new waiters who were worse than what he’d first thought. Baekhyun was trying but he was constantly forgetting half the orders or _forgetting_ to be polite. That had brought a couple complaints from the customers to Luhan and he was pissed at the other for ruining the diner’s great reputation. Chanyeol, on the other hand, was practically useless. The man had never held a tray before in his life and it wasn’t just a couple times Luhan found himself wiping the floor at the evening with a distressed tall man apologizing repeatedly over his head. Luhan felt lucky enough since he had to work with only one of them during each of his shirts so it made it more bearable.

If it was something Luhan looked forward to during those long days was the closing time and since he was working far too many hours overtime, his boss had told him he could leave much earlier than usual. Thus, as soon as the clock stroke nine in the evening, Luhan would bid farewell to Chanyeol and leave at the speed of a racing car. Jongin would be waiting him by the front door and both of them would leave for their usual ramen shop a couple blocks down the street. At this hour, there were many people walking about and as if sensing Luhan’s racing heartbeat, Jongin grabbed his hand and guided him. It was the first time Luhan didn’t even think of reacting to the foreign touch. He guessed it was because Jongin’s hand held familiar warmth.

Slowly and steadily, Jongin would stand closer to him and when Luhan got the extra days off once Kyungsoo came back, the two of them spent it at Luhan’s apartment watching a movie and drinking hot chocolate. Jongin kept on going that Luhan was too childish and how he had the chance to go out and drink since he had five days to do nothing but Luhan shook his head.

“Last time that happened, it didn’t turn out well,” Luhan replied and Jongin glanced at him. They were both under the fluffiest blanket Luhan owned and a plate of half eaten pancakes was atop the coffee table. The sounds of a comedy movie were echoing gently behind the conversation Luhan and Jongin had had the past hour or so when they noticed they both had seen the movie before.

“Did it? Because I think it brought us closer, considering we were something barely past strangers,” was Jongin’s reply and Luhan guessed he did have a point. He promised they’d go for a drink the next day and the younger seemed ecstatic.

Next evening Luhan stood in front of his mirror. It’d been so long since he’d dressed for clubbing and he just couldn’t draw those lines on his eyes to look even. Just when he groaned in despair, he heard a knock on the front door. Lowering the music that had been blasting, he headed and opened it, already knowing who it was.

“Hyung, what happened to your face?” Jongin asked as soon as he opened it and laughed. Luhan just rolled his eyes.

“It’s been a while, okay?” he muttered and Jongin immediately offered his help, talking about how he was some kind of master at eye pencils and eyeliners due to his punk style. Luhan was a bit hesitant but Jongin held gently on his chin and after wiping the horrible lines Luhan had done, proceeded with applying the make-up. Luhan kind of liked the way Jongin’s face and eyes looked when he was that focused. With such close proximity, he could take in all of the beauty Jongin was. Eyes of the best shade of dark brown, framed with slight black eye-pencil that made them stand out even more. Plump lips and that pink tongue that would often slid across them to make them moist again. His skin was flawless and Jongin’s perfect looks only made Luhan self-conscious about his own. He felt as if he was standing in front of a Greek god with himself being nothing but a small mere human.

“There!” Jongin let a smile of satisfaction and when Luhan snapped out of his thoughts and gazed at himself in the mirror, he admitted he’d done a great work. For some reason he expected Jongin to paint him too heavily but he had actually gone very district and Luhan joked he’d call Jongin over when he needed a steady hand.

“My hands are capable of more than just this.”

Luhan grimaced and lightly hit the laughing Jongin’s shoulder.

“I think I’ll pass.”

“You _think_?” Jongin gasped and Luhan pushed him towards the front door.

“You better shut up,” he mumbled, feeling a slight blush and Jongin just laughed some more. He let him have the time of his life, noting to take revenge in the short future.

The clubs were as noisy as he remembered and Jongin held on his hand out of habit as they passed through the crowds in search of the one he had in mind. “We should go to my favorite one.”

Luhan let him lead the way, enjoying how Jongin kept looking around to the club he had in mind and when he did find it, they were swallowed into yet another crowd. Bright lights lit and jumped over their heads and so many people danced around them. As weird as it was, Luhan felt safe among them and he stepped with confidence after Jongin. Luhan promised himself that he wouldn’t get too wasted but he guessed he had one drink too much when his vision blurred and instead of colorful lights and people, he found his eyes shut and specks of white.

His cocktail was replaced with something—rather, some _one_ —much warmer. He was sure he’d lost his mind by now because he was not just kissing; no that was an understatement. Jongin was hot, it was the first thing he noticed, and his touch was burning his skin. However, despite what he’d felt with Kris, it was not because he was afraid. No, he was sure it was not that because Jongin’s hold was gentle and caring and Luhan lost himself somewhere between Jongin’s mouth and traveling hands. It was a strange feeling and his body kept reacting in funny ways for the first time in years.

His back was met with the wall and he held onto Jongin, pulling him closer. At this point he didn’t even care if anyone was staring and frowning at them, that was the last thing he cared about at this moment. As suddenly as Jongin’s lips were on his, they weren’t and he felt the other lean close to his ear, whispering loud enough for him to hear.

“Yes, I _would_ do things to you if you were not drunk last time. And I would too now if you say so.” A chill ran down Luhan’s back and he caught himself about to reply _yes, please_. He didn’t, though. His hands let a tremble while they were holding on Jongin’s leather jacket and that was enough of an answer to the younger who took a step back and a smirk played on his lips. Jongin, instead, took his hands in his own and kissed them before leaning up and placing a last kiss on Luhan’s forehead.

Luhan was disappointed when he offered to get another drink and as soon as Luhan nodded, he vanished into the crowd to get them from the barman. Luhan leaned heavily against the wall, wondering just how they’d gotten to that point. They were dancing, he could tell from the sweat on his neck. They also had about four different drinks as well, he could taste the weird mix on his tongue. But he could also taste Jongin and he tasted as sweet as he’d firstly guessed.

Jongin was back with two tall glasses fast and he suggested they just stole them and left. Luhan agreed quickly and he found himself chuckling amusedly when Jongin led him through the back door he’d gotten to know after so many times he’d been at that place.

“We should return them, though.” Jongin said as soon as they stepped outside in the biting cold but Luhan just shook his head.

“They won’t notice. Besides, they are beautiful.”

“I like the rebellious Luhan,” Jongin joked and Luhan stuck his tongue out at him.

“That’s the most rebellious thing I’ve ever done.”

Jongin shrugged. “It’s something.”

They walked though the back alleys and Luhan didn’t as much as think it was a bit dangerous at this hour. He had Jongin to sort anything out.

“We should really go somewhere warmer,” Luhan spoke after a while of joking with Jongin and the younger raised an eyebrow.

“Is that an invitation?”

Luhan pretended to think for a while. “Maybe it is. But no funny things!”

“You talk about sex like a ten year old.” After that, Jongin spent most of the way to Luhan’s apartment trying to apologize to a Luhan who was pretending to be angry.

“But seriously, no funny stuff,” Luhan warned him when they reached his door. Jongin motioned as if to swear but as soon as he opened the door, Luhan was overwhelmed by Jongin. The door shut with a kick and Luhan’s glass was torn from his hand and placed somewhere he didn’t get the chance to see because once again, his eyes were flooded by Jongin’s face.

Luhan noticed how Jongin easily shrugged his jacket off and how he himself slid his own and let it fall on the floor. There was that feeling of anticipation and anxiety in the pits of their stomachs that made both of them unsure. When Luhan opened his eyes briefly, he found Jongin slightly leaning back and looking at him as if contemplating everything in the whole world. Luhan just stared, unsure himself and too hesitant to do the first move.

“I am almost one hundred percent sure we should not continue,” was Jongin’s whisper and Luhan found himself nodding almost immediately. The feeling of stress would do no good and he knew it well. He also knew that by reacting like this, he was still pretty sober and awake. And he also knew that Jongin was healing everything he couldn’t heal by himself for the past couple years.

“We shouldn’t.”

His racing heart was going thousand miles per second when he ended up on his own bed with Jongin hovering above him. But Jongin had made a promise and just as Luhan started having doubts, he calmed down as the younger just plopped on the mattress by his side and buried himself into the sheets. A hand made a move but stopped mid-way.

“Am I allowed to at least cuddle with you?”

Luhan refused to admit he found Jongin’s wide and innocent eyes cute. He nodded, though, and he felt Jongin’s arm snake around his waist and pulling him closer to the warmth. Luhan lost his sense of reality sometime after he felt Jongin’s steady breaths against his neck and he didn’t even have time to ponder as to what tomorrow would bring because his mind kept on reminding him how _sweet_ Jongin smelt.

Those drinks had probably affected him far too much.

***

“If you use that formula, you’ve practically screwed up the whole problem,” Luhan mused over Jongin’s shoulder.

“Well, then, help me, will you?” Jongin snapped. He’d been trying this Math problem for the past half hour and all that Luhan had done was commenting. And according to him, he’d used all the wrong formulas he could use in this exercise.

Luhan calmly sipped at his coffee. “If I keep helping you out, how are you supposed to learn anything?” Jongin had come by his apartment as soon as he’d finished his classes at noon and after eating some lunch Luhan had cooked for both of them, he’d been trying to solve anything from his Math homework. Considering he spent more time whining about them than actually thinking them through, Luhan guessed he was doing a good job at not having helped him for the past hour.

“But you just keep saying I’m stupid every time I try another way of solving this shit!” Jongin shoved the notebook away, making it fall from the dinner table. Luhan only let a sigh and having placed his mug on the counter, bent down and gathered the book off the floor.

“Firstly, I didn’t say you’re stupid,” Luhan started but Jongin pouted.

“You implied it.”

Luhan spared a short glare as he brought the notebook to its previous spot on the table. “Secondly, this _shit_ is what will help you pass the year and eventually get you the diploma so stop being a little kid.”

Jongin kept grumbling while Luhan took a seat by him and started explaining the advanced Math. “So if you use this type, you’ll get to what you’re—“

“Can we go out?”

“No.”

“But I don’t want to Math right now!”

Luhan groaned and placed a hand on his forehead. Childish Jongin was the worst Jongin there was. Eventually, he decided it’d be better to gift some time off and have him come back refreshed. Maybe then, he’d actually have a clear mind to think over these problems.

“Fine, but we’re coming back as soon as I say so you can finish your homework.”

Jongin’s grin was enough to have Luhan standing and walking towards the door. He heard the distant mumble of _who even thought Math was a good idea?_ and snickered to himself.

***

“Luhan.”

The addressed man looked up from the counter, eyes meeting with Kyungsoo’s wide pair. There was something akin to fear and before Luhan could voice anything, he noticed a couple approaching. They were middle-aged, the woman styled in a neat and figure-wrapping dark dress whilst the man following her carried something akin to a notepad in hand. He was pretty tall and it took Luhan a while to notice that he’d been staring up at both of them by now.

“You’re Luhan, right?” The woman’s voice was strict, allowing no disobedience. Luhan felt where the fear in Kyungsoo’s eyes had come from. Luhan merely managed to nod his head before the woman raised her hand with a swift move and Luhan flinched back in fear that she would just slap him across his face. That didn’t come and instead, the man standing just slightly behind her placed the small notepad in her hand along with a black pen. “How much do you need?”

Luhan blinked his eyes; “Excuse me?”

“How much do you need to stay away from my son?”

Her voice held the same temperature as ice cold water and Luhan felt as if she’d poured it just over his head. Slowly, customers were turning their heads around to stare and Luhan felt Kyungsoo freeze by his side just like he was. Somewhere from the corner of his eye, he spotted his boss, mouth wide open and eyes the size of saucers.

The woman was starting to feel impatient and as much as Luhan had tried to find his voice, he felt like he was born a mute.

“Is ten thousand enough? One hundred? Two? Just name me a price and it’s yours as long as you keep your side of the promise.”

“I… It’s not… We… I—“

“He’s not obligated to do what you tell him to,” came Kyungsoo’s reply and Luhan felt needles prick at his skin. _No_.

“Why else would any man his age go for a young and handsome boy?” the woman retorted and Luhan wanted the Earth to open and swallow him whole. She made it sound like he was some kind of pedophile and from the looks of the customers, that was definitely what they understood. And Luhan wasn’t even sure if it was out of context because considering how the woman put it, it looked like a plausible thought.

“Well?

Luhan struggled a lot. “I don’t want money.”

“Then what? A car? Job? Just tell me and I’ll sort it out.”

“That’s not what I—“

“Then what is it, Luhan?” The woman wore a frown over her dark eyes. Her make-up covered all of her wrinkles—if she had any, that is. “I want you to know that my son is not like you. He’s not what you think he is and I don’t want you to influence him into something he isn’t.” The woman took a look around, her light gestures emphasizing her annoyance. “Oh dear, I did not wish to come to this but” her eyes were once again on Luhan, boring into his with a distasteful glare “if you dare approach him again, I will not be this polite.”

The man scattered to take the notepad and pen from her hands as she spared one last glance at Luhan. “If you don’t want troubles, you’ll listen to my words. Otherwise, I’ll make sure you’ll be sorry.”

With a swift turn, the woman walked off towards the door which the man hurried to hold open for her. The air of authority left with her clacking heels and Luhan was left to stare after her. There was a sick feeling in his stomach and without wasting time, he rushed into the back and into the restroom for the staff, barely catching himself as he fell and threw up into the toilet.

He hadn’t even noticed the tears as he vomited. He had always felt lost in his life and the woman just helped him add _useless_ upon everything else.

***

Luhan had trouble doing his work the next couple days and although he knew he was being a dead weight, Kyungsoo didn’t as much as complain. It looked like he understood completely, having been there when the woman had confronted Luhan. He hadn’t mentioned anything and Luhan was silently thanking him for never bringing it up. He could drown in the problem by himself, no need in having someone shove him any deeper.

What made the days harder and more tiring was the lack of Jongin. The younger was nowhere to be found and Luhan could only assume that the woman had gotten to him as well. Somehow, he wondered just how worse did Jongin had it, considering it was his mother and she was the least excited about them hanging out. So he just guessed that he was on house arrest and forbidden to come here.

On the other hand, he had some time to think through everything and when he was at his apartment, the thoughts just harassed him. He couldn’t but conclude that he was at fault, that if he was to keep refusing Jongin, this wouldn’t have happened and Jongin would be alright. But he’d said that damned yes and now everything had gone downhill and they were back to square one, if not thrown much farther.

Luhan counted three nights until he heard a knock on his door. Shuffling from his warm bed, he made his way to the door, picking through the peephole only to find a familiar batch of dark hair. He unlocked and pulled the door in light speed, afraid that he’d imagined everything. But no, Jongin was there, standing a bit hunched and eyes peaking through the bangs.

“What are you doing here?” Luhan blurted, almost afraid that he sounded harsh. In fact, he was just too surprised and excited at the same time.

“Sorry for being so late. I couldn’t come earlier.” Jongin looked too troubled and Luhan wondered who was the real broken one between the two of them. “Can we talk for a second?”

Luhan wasted no time in inviting him in and locking the door again, following Jongin’s form to the dinner table in the kitchen. “Do you… want to drink anything?”

“Just sit down,” Jongin said instead and Luhan obliged, figuring that whatever it was, it couldn’t wait. “I can’t stay much before they find out I snuck out. See, I’m on house arrest.”

Luhan nodded, urging the other to continue.

“My parents plan on sending me abroad.”

For a second there, Luhan wished he would just stretch it some more, hit around the bush and form sentences that made no sense. But Jongin had clearly come to do just the opposite. “What? Why?”

“You know why. And I’m sorry my mother did that to you. My father was not that amused either at the thought of his only son hanging out and holding hands with a man.”

“How did they find out?” Luhan seriously felt lost. _How could they_ —

Jongin hesitated a bit. “My _friends_ saw us, apparently. They told my parents.”

Luhan sucked in a sudden breath. He wasn’t even sure how he was supposed to react to this. He wanted to ask _now what?_ but he knew that would be of no help. Jongin’s torn expression was enough to prove it.

“When are you..?”

“On Thursday.”

Luhan swallowed a whimper. He only had three days left and that was not enough. It was too short of a time for them to try and convince Jongin’s parents, too little hours to spend with Jongin. Luhan wasn’t fast enough for this, let alone ready for any of it.

“It’s alright, I’ll be back in three years,” Jongin tried and something in Luhan’s expression made his insides break apart. It was no lie that Luhan had gotten used to him, gotten fond of his presence and his company. And that made Jongin guiltier because nothing was in his hand at this point.

“No, you should not hurry with everything to come back. You should stay abroad. I don’t want you back if you leave!” Luhan was yelling by now but he couldn’t care less about the quiet night. He felt too betrayed to find anything in himself to care. “Do as you please but don’t expect me to welcome you back with wide arms when you  do come back.”

“Luhan you don’t—“

“Save it. I don’t care anymore.” Luhan took a deep breath and when he noticed Jongin’s hands stretch out to grab his own on the table’s surface, he just stood up. “I think you should leave.”

“I won’t, Luhan. We have to talk this through. It’s not like I didn’t try to persuade them.” Jongin stood up after him, staring at him from a couple centimeters above.

“Maybe they don’t need to be persuaded. Maybe they’re right about this. Maybe we should just stop playing around and face life as it is. So just, leave.”

“Luhan…” The elder’s glare made Jongin swallow his words. This wasn’t going how he wanted, not at all. This was spinning out of control and Jongin could not grab and guide it the way he wanted. He spared a couple minutes staring at Luhan who plainly avoided his eyes. Seeing how it made no sense to stand like this, Jongin strode to the door and when Luhan heard it being shut with much force, he felt his legs weaken and his knees hit the ground.

The apartment was once again silent, save for Luhan’s low sobs.


	5. Ethelotiphlia

Ethelotiphlia  
n.  
From the Greek word _εθελοτυφλία_ meaning:  
Turning a blind eye, refusing to admit a fact

##  **Chapter Five**

Everything was a confusing blur.

Luhan was sitting in one of the multiple blue chairs stacked in numerous lines across the whole room. His eyes watched the younger, standing far away, with a middle-aged couple. He could faintly recognize the woman from where he was, wearing a nice dress and high heels and her hair neatly tucked into a thick bun. There was something in her glances sent at Luhan that made him uncomfortable.

Jongin didn’t seem to notice.

Luhan knew he shouldn’t have been there— he didn’t need Jongin’s mother to remind him as to _why_. He didn’t belong there and he surely did not deserve it. Yet, here he sat after receiving two messages from the younger early in the morning, against all odds and against his own thoughts.

The first one wrote; “I’m flying at 11 today. Come see me off”. The second had arrived just half hour before the flight and read a much urgent plea of “Please come to the airport, I want to see you”.

He wasn’t sure how but he’d fled work and left everything upon Kyungsoo. He’d jumped in the first taxi he flagged and here he was, twenty minutes later, thinking about his choices in general. Jongin’s parents were not that amused when they saw him, but they didn’t say anything. Only his mother had been sending him death glares the whole time but Luhan had gotten used to ignoring them and looking past them; at the tall brunet whose fingers were clenching onto something. The twenty-seven year old knew it was a ticket with no return.

After this, in only ten minutes, Jongin would leave and he would disappear from his life for so long. Luhan had no clue as to how he would survive on his own. Who would help him heal? There was no one else out there who knew him this much and there was surely no one who would understand his lifestyle and his pains and late night tortures. No one would understand that small bottle, half emptied from the pills in his drawer like Jongin had, because Luhan knew— _everyone_ knew—he looked past Luhan’s flaws.

There was no one like Jongin to fill his spot when he’d be gone and Luhan knew he would most likely return to old Luhan with the younger’s absence.

He couldn’t but wonder when exactly Jongin had started to become such an important face in his life.

Luhan betted his life that it had been the first ever time he talked to Jongin at the diner. Back when Jongin had friends and Luhan didn’t even know his name. Back then, from what Luhan could sum up, he pretty much had a decent grip on his life and its course.

Or so Luhan thought.

Movement made him shake his thoughts away and focus, and he was just in time to see Jongin leave his parents. His father patted his shoulder, his mother refused his hug, and Jongin was on his way towards Luhan. The woman’s eyes were still boring huge holes into Luhan until her husband led her off to the other direction. Now standing just a metre away from him, Jongin casted a look around them. The airport was busy, considering it was noon, and he wasn’t that sure he liked the numerous eyes that lingered about.

He felt trapped.

“Luhan,” Jongin started as he kneeled down in front of the elder. Luhan didn’t show any signs that he had heard him. “I’m really glad you came here today.”

Luhan looked up, a frown on his face as he clenched his fists in his lap. “Oh really? Well, I’m not. I didn’t want to come.”

“But you did, Luhan.” Jongin’s tone gave away the hurt of Luhan’s words. Luhan had half-mind to take them back—but he didn’t. “And thank you for that.”

“Whatever.” Luhan turned his head away and Jongin swallowed the sigh. He moved to sit next to him, his fingers playing with the ticket.

“I promise I’ll be back as soon as I can.” There was no reply and Jongin decided to continue, eyes on the piece of paper that was responsible for everything going badly. “Time will pass quickly and neither of us will notice. You’ll be alright, Luhan.” When he looked at the elder again, he was worrying his lips, hands clenched so tightly and moisture pooling in his eyes. The guilt hit Jongin tenfold.

“Luhan, I promise everything will be alright.” He could feel his own eyes become wet. Had they not been seated in the middle of the room, he’d have hugged Luhan’s tears and worries away.

“You won’t even notice I left.”

“No, you’re wrong,” came Luhan’s voice and he was surprised how torn he sounded. He refused to look at the younger as he kept talking lowly as to not give away his sadness. “I _will_ notice your absence. It’s not as easy as you think, Jongin.”

He swallowed his tears—he couldn’t cry here for God’s sake! He had to be strong, if not for Jongin, then for himself. He gathered a ton of courage and looked up at the brunet. “If you leave, I don’t want you to come back to me. If you leave now, it’ll be the end.” The words burned his mouth and his throat, ached his heart and soul. He felt ashamed to have fallen so low as to threaten him, but it was the last thing he could think of. “If you leave, I—“ _won’t survive_.

“Luhan, please don’t—“

“No.” Luhan let a sigh of defeat out. Suddenly, he was so emotionally tired of everything. “Don’t come back for me. Stop wasting your time and fix your life.” _You still have so much to live… Still a whole life ahead._

“Luhan, no.” Jongin wasn’t sure about the sudden change of Luhan’s heart. Was he being serious? “I will come back as soon as I can. My parents will have accepted everythi—“

“Stop lying to yourself!” Eyes fell on them due to Luhan’s yell but he was too shaken to care and Jongin was too frozen to notice. “Stop wasting your time.” With a glance to the direction Jongin’s parents had gone to, he continued; “Leave and don’t ever come back to me. You better stay away from me.”

Sensing Jongin’s protest, Luhan glared at him, making the younger hold his breath. “Leave and find something actually worth your time. I don’t want you anyways.”

Luhan could see the tears in Jongin’s eyes and although he wanted to take everything back, ask sorry and hug his guilt away, he knew it would be for the best. He knew that for Jongin to move on, he first had to be shoved away from everything that held him back. And while the younger kept searching in his eyes for a sign that he was joking and just messing with him, the elder held a rock-thick expression. If not to support his words, to hide his regret. His face was unreadable and therefore, it only disappointed Jongin further. Finally, he gave up and Luhan averted his eyes when he stood up and started on his way to the check-ins.

Luhan only spared a glance at Jongin’s back. When the younger turned to look back, Luhan averted his eyes once more, keeping a frown over his empty stare. It was for the better, he told himself.

Luhan felt the first tears slide down his face.

Yes, for the better.

As the call for Jongin’s flight came through the speakers above his head, he choked on sobs, not caring for the people around him anymore. The faint buzz from his pants’ pocket brought him back to reality and he wiped his tears as he hurriedly answered the call in hopes it was Jongin. But it wasn’t. And instead, he heard his boss scolding him and telling him about the diner that was—according to him—a huge mess because there were too many customers and Kyungsoo couldn’t do everything on his own.

Luhan had never felt this disappointed over a call before in his life.

***

Kyungsoo was so relieved when Luhan stepped into the diner although he probably noticed the defeat in his stance and expression. He asked if everything was alright but it fell on deaf ears. Luhan’s eyes were empty, as if in mourning. There was no sign of life in them. He moved robotically and he didn’t hear it, but Kyungsoo actually tried to convince their boss to just let him off for the rest of the day, even if that meant Kyungsoo would have twice the work.

Eventually, the boss did let Luhan off the hook even though he’d ditched the store a couple hours ago. It wasn’t the best but Kyungsoo thanked him anyways. He knew Luhan needed it. When he bid the other waiter farewells, he wished for the extra hours to help him overcome whatever happened to him—Luhan hadn’t talked much to him since he came in the morning.

The walk back home was dark so Luhan opted to just grab a cab and accidentally left a much larger tip because he just wanted to bail the car and run into his apartment. His home was as cold as ever and he shuffled his way into his bedroom where he plainly plopped on the bed and let the tears fall. He didn’t even bother with changing his clothes.

It wouldn’t change anything.

***

His dreams were dark. There was barely enough lightning for him to understand where he was. He couldn’t recognize the place, which scared him beyond anything else. Somehow, he’d appeared in an abandoned building, where only dust stood. There was no furniture, just a couple windows placed but never finished.

The moon outside served for the only source of light.

The silence was deafening and he tried to move, test the place and look around. But it was useless; he was alone and cold and he would most definitely die. Which he wouldn’t mind but he kept that thought short.

He paced around, dust flying with every of his steps and he coughed—how many years had it been since it was left to ruin? He guessed a lot. He passed one hole that would become a door, had the structure been continued. The scene seemed the same and Luhan looked over his shoulder to make sure he had just entered a different room, but the hole was missing. Instead, there was a grey wall.

He continued to the next hole and just a metre away, he started to hear faint music. It didn’t take him long to realize it was coming from the hole and from a room that pretty much seemed like the one he was already in—and the one he was in before. Stepping closer, the music became louder and low, distant talking reached his ears. He couldn’t make out any words but he knew it was whispers of sinned promises he shouldn’t be hearing in the first place.

Passing the hole, the surroundings changed and just like before, there was a wall from where he’d come. However, the room changed entirely and suddenly, he was in a crowd that was dancing under dim lights, people grinding against one another under loud house beats. Luhan noticed that the room resembled that one club he’d gone with Jongin a while back.

Therefore, Jongin should be somewhere around, right?

Luhan thought so and that made him start walking and pushing through the crowds in search of that one person he so hated and at the same time needed. If one asked Luhan, he’d admit he hated those mixed feelings.

The music only became louder as he walked and he started panicking. Jongin should have been there!

There was a sudden grip around his arm and he was pulled back, colliding with something hard. It should be Jongin, right? Looking up, Luhan frowned under the darkness. The lights were behind the person and he could barely make out the outline of their hair. Nonetheless, Luhan felt relieved.

“Where were you?” Luhan yelled over the music but he doubted the other heard him. He just hugged him and sighed. He could feel Jongin’s arms wrap around him and hold him close and Luhan was about to scold him because he hated him now but also needed him but mainly hated him. “Please don’t leave, Jongin.”

“Who’s Jongin?”

“What are you doing?”

Two different voices and Luhan pulled back, eyes as wide as they could get. His eyes fell on Jongin’s direction and he found the student standing a fair distance away from him, holding onto two tall glasses and staring at him in shock—much like Luhan’s expression. For the one he’s hugged was not Jongin. At least not anymore. Instead, it was the one whose dreams had haunted him for years and the blonde hair and model-like facial features that were so carved in his mind had taken life in front of him and were as young as seven years ago.

And he did what he did best; scream.

***

His eyes flew open at the sound of his phone and he groggily swiped the moisture around his eyes. He’d cried himself to sleep, if he hadn’t been crying while asleep. The room was dipped in dark and he patted the bed around for his cell phone until he found it under the pillow. How it’d gotten there, he wasn’t that sure.

Not really minding to glance at the caller, he answered the phone with a husky voice; “Yes?”.

“Luhan?”

At the sound of his name, Luhan froze in place and he pulled back the phone to make sure that the person who was calling him was indeed—“Jongin?”

“Luhan, I didn’t take the flight. I didn’t leave.”

***

Luhan’s hands were trembling. Jongin had explained what happened but he was too awestruck to register anything. He’d said something about “changing his mind”, “doing what he wanted” and “considering what his priorities were” but Luhan was as confused as ever.

Hence, when the door opened to the room 407, and he came across the young man who’d called him after midnight, he acted on impulse. His hand rose and flew across Jongin’s face with so much force poor Luhan was surprised himself. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say as his own hand started to burn and he wanted to fight him more when Jongin just grabbed his face and kissed him on his lips.

Luhan felt his eyes water and he started to hate himself because he’d cried like a baby already and he, somehow, still had tears in him. When Jongin pulled back, Luhan’s lower lip was trembling and he bit on it as he stared in his eyes.

“I’m not done with you yet,” he said and Jongin let a smile show.

“You can hit me as much as you want, it doesn’t hurt anyways.”

That only made Luhan angrier but he swallowed the curses and he grabbed Jongin’s wrist and pulled him into the hotel room, closing the door behind him. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to kill Jongin after he’d worried him so much, after he’d betrayed him this much. Or if he wanted to kiss Jongin because he’d made him so happy so suddenly it hurt his heart from the change of emotions that flowed in it.

“I don’t know if I should kill you or love you right now,” Luhan voiced as he stared at Jongin.

Jongin only smirked, eyes suddenly challenging. “I can help you decide with that.”

The elder, however, narrowed his eyes to suspicious slits. “Do you want to be castrated?”

Jongin laughed, but something inside of him told him that Luhan was actually planning on doing just that.

He’d take it as it was.


	6. Apotoko

Apotoko  
n.  
From the Greek word _απότοκο_ meaning:  
An inherited liability

##  **Chapter Six**

There was something magical Luhan hadn’t witnessed before in his life. There was something about the light touches, the lazy kisses, the deep breathing, that made everything seem out of this world. Luhan was almost sure he was trapped in a dream.

The early hours woke him up so gently and he blinked his eyes to adjust his sight because now, the sun was hitting them and was keeping him from _admiring_. He stirred under the sheets just a bit, his sight filling up with Jongin again.

He wasn’t sure how long he’d been lying like this. Just staring and thinking and somewhere within himself, he was scolding himself for being such a sappy mess. He knew he was never one to do something this mushy, so how come doing such things were coming natural of him when Jongin was involved?

The body stirred and Luhan remained still, afraid the other would wake up and point out his idiocy.

“Good morning.” Jongin’s voice was so thick and sleepy, and Luhan swallowed his words. Suddenly, he forgot how to talk. “Cat got your tongue?”

“Do you want to die?” Luhan glared but there was a light blush across his face and which Jongin caressed away with his thumb.

“So sweet, like always,” Jongin replied sarcastically, turning around and pulling Luhan close to him. The elder let a surprised gasp but he forgot to feel embarrassed about it because, all of a sudden, Jongin was so close he was even more speechless. “Did you sleep alright?”

Luhan opened and closed his mouth, unable to talk. Kind of ironic how they’d spent the whole night cuddling and talking. He blamed it on Jongin staring at him. Eventually, a minute or so later, Luhan croaked a low “yes”.

“I worried you lost your voice for a second, and got happy.”

Luhan sat up, pushing harshly on Jongin’s chest while doing so. “Woke up feeling too funny, haven’t we?” He turned to grab his phone and as soon as he had it in his hand, Jongin had wrapped himself around him; arms around his waist and legs around his left one. “Are you arse-licking?”

“No, but I could.” Luhan’s wide eyes barely caught the smirk on Jongin’s face before it became an innocent look. “I’m trying to make you stay, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“I changed my mind. When is your flight again?” Luhan let a laugh when Jongin just tackled him into bed, lying on top of him and not letting him go. The whole action seemed a normal thing to Luhan now and it made his heart burst because they hadn’t done anything, yet he could _feel_ Jongin all over him.

“I decided I’ll stay here. Someone has to look after you, you big baby.”

“Would bet it’s the other way around but I’ll take it.” Luhan sent a glare when Jongin opened his mouth, _Don’t you even_ , thus shutting him. “Now get off, I have to go.”

“But why?”

Luhan ignored the younger’s whines and shoved him to the side. Jongin didn’t put up a fight, he just turned around like a lifeless ragdoll. “I still have to go to work, even if you stay in Korea.”

Jongin pouted and Luhan, with a heavy heart, ignored him. It was for the best. If he actually gave in, only God knew when they’d get out of bed. “Where will you be at tonight?”

“Hopefully at your place.” Luhan sent another glare but Jongin smiled sheepishly. “Well, I’m not joking. I truly have nowhere to go.”

It was then that Luhan actually remembered the whole situation. Jongin hadn’t left, had gone against his parents’ wills. He was barely of age, had no friends, couldn’t stay anywhere else but at his apartment. Luhan wanted to groan in frustration. He thought it was the right decision for Jongin to _stay_. How come was it such a hard one?

Eventually, Luhan let a sigh.

“Alright, I’ll get off work at four. Be outside my apartment complex by then?”

Jongin nodded his head, a grin on his stupid face. “It’s a date.”

Luhan grimaced a bit but stood up. “Whatever makes you happy.”

“And, don’t even.”

***

There was a skip in his steps.

Luhan knew Kyungsoo had noticed from the way he’d stare at him with interested and curious eyes. He didn’t say a word though. Luhan wondered if it was because he knew he wouldn’t get a real answer or if he just didn’t want to ruin the happy for him. Either way, Luhan was thankful and he only tried to be subtle about it—which didn’t really work.

He was quite impatient to go back home and to find Jongin and when he left work and bid ‘goodbye’s and ‘good night’s to Kyungsoo, he couldn’t erase the smile off his face. Jongin would be waiting for him, with his stuff and all, ready to stay over for as long as it’d took his parents to give up on their plans.

As long as that took, Jongin would always be welcome to stay in his apartment.

And there he stood, tall as always, in front of his apartment complex’s front door. Luhan’s smile only grew and he would have scolded himself if the younger wouldn’t have pulled him into a tight hug and kissed the top of his head in a silent sweet greeting. Luhan noted how cute Jongin could actually be and, frankly speaking, he loved that kind of Jongin.

“I brought some food,” Luhan said softly and felt the younger’s stomach growl against his own. “Already excited?”

The smirk Jongin talked with made Luhan push him off; “Always when it’s you.”

“I hate you.” But he didn’t. In fact, a part of him had already become fond of the way Jongin would say those corny words and would make Luhan blush and then everything in the elder’s mind would just _poof_ away and nothing would be left in there. Light headed as if on drugs, Luhan would just pray his senses back whilst Jongin would try to make up for it with cute acts and whatnot.

Luhan was a mess. Always had, and he was even more so now.

“I’ll just let you sleep outside,” Luhan said in a dismissive tone as he walked pass the younger. “And I’m not feeding you either.”

Jongin pouted but grabbed his suitcase and backpack off the ground and followed Luhan in, who despite his words, held the door open for him.

“What a gentleman.”

Luhan glared but then shook his head at the grin Jongin showed.

“It’s my fault, I should have let you struggle on your own.”

Which he eventually did. It was only Jongin who carried the luggage up to Luhan’s floor and the elder didn’t as much as glance at him. After a floor or so he thought of helping him out but that quickly died out, deciding that he deserved it either way for being extra sarcastic today.

“Make yourself at home,” Luhan announced as he pushed the door in and revealed his apartment. He helped with the luggage just a bit and hit the door closed once they were in.

“Already have,” Jongin replied as he went and plopped on the couch, sighing in content.

“What were you up to all day anyways?” Luhan walked into the kitchen, the faint sound of the TV being revived reaching his ears. He pulled two glasses and grabbed a bottle of water before he returned into the living room.

“I tried to talk with my father’s secretary and reach his manager.” Luhan sent a worried glance at him while he unpacked their lunch and he sat up. “I wanted to know what is going on at home. Surely enough, they will be informed about my absence tomorrow when the headmaster will reach them. So I needed the manager to tell me when that will happen and when it does, I want to be a step ahead.”

“And what are you planning to do?”

Jongin let a hum, biting on his lower lip. Luhan had to force his eyes away. “I don’t know. I literally have nothing after that.”

“Well, we’re already screwed so we might as well enjoy while it lasts.”

They both grabbed their lunch, a wide smile on Jongin’s face as he stared at the elder. “That holds so many promises.”

“So what if it does?” Frankly, Luhan surprised himself with his words. He showed no regret though and held his confidence up. He’d thought a lot about a lot of things the past days. So much that he could feel his instincts free in him. It was just his body that was keeping everything off at this moment.

Jongin stared at his food, poking it with the ends of his chopsticks as a grin grew fast on his face. “Suddenly, I feel like I’ll enjoy my stay here.”

Luhan hummed in agreement.

“Maybe you will.”

***

Cuddling with Jongin on the couch was at least warm.

Relaxing the most.

His apartment was a nice haven to hide in after a long day and having Jongin’s arms around him made every trouble small and unimportant.

There was also something in the way Jongin would press his lips on Luhan’s head.

Something in the way Jongin’s touch would be feather-like, caressing his sides and skin and Luhan didn’t feel afraid. He trusted Jongin more than ever now that the younger had done such a stupidity.

Jongin was careful, gentle. Almost as if terrified that any moment, Luhan would break. The elder tried to assure him but that did little for both of them. There was still this anxiety in their stomachs. And as much as they tried to deny its existence, it was still there, bringing the hesitation to their actions.

Somewhere between the shining bright moon up in the sky, which lit the room through the windows, and the credits of a movie that was long forgotten, both of them lost themselves in each other. No sounds in the night except those little sighs and whispers that lingered so quietly that they didn’t even bother the silence.

Luhan could feel his heartbeat behind his ears and his cheeks were at least a bit pink when Jongin pulled his shirt off. The blush only became redder when he felt familiar hands grab places never before touched, and Luhan whimpered. Because had the lights been on, Jongin would have enough of an image to blackmail him for life. The sounds he made were enough to be teased about.

Jongin knew what he did, and that made Luhan less worried and anxious. Yet, he could feel how his actions would often be hesitant, as if waiting for Luhan to say _no_ and pull away. He was unsure of the ground he was stepping in. Passing that fine line was very easy, yet was so new that made both parties wonder if they should or should _not_.

“I can stop if you—“

Luhan shushed him.

The silence was nice.

The touches comforting and the kisses so sweet.

He made Luhan feel things he’d never felt for years and that woke something in him.

And he wasn’t sure if it was good or not.

If it was right or wrong.

He didn’t want it to stop though. If it had to happen, it’d be Jongin.

It was Jongin who’d spent months trying to approach an empty shell of a human. It was Jongin who kept demanding a place in a life he wasn’t even supposed to be in. It was Jongin who had insisted in knowing a man who was far too damaged to get a benefit from. It was he who kept throwing his love at a person so inexperienced it could backfire.

It was Jongin, with his brown hair and dark eyes. With his tall figure and muscled body. It was Jongin, with his childish soul and a huge fluffy heart. With everything in the world except basic logic.

“No, don’t.”

Luhan’s voice surprised himself. It was so needy. Not out of lust, but out of worry that after this— _every_ thing—Jongin would just change his mind. He knew it was a silly thought, though. Jongin had showed him it was Luhan he would always go back to.

Jongin needed Luhan just as much as Luhan needed Jongin.

Like an endless paradox.

***

“Wake up.”

Luhan felt a pair of lips against his forehead. A small sound followed when they were pulled away.

“But…” Luhan steered around, hiding himself into the pillow and under the blankets some more. “I don’t have to go to work…”

“Is that so?” Luhan felt movement on the bed, the younger probably hovering over his shoulder to stare at his face. He didn’t open his eyes to check.

“Baekhyun had some stuff to do so we exchanged shifts. Now I have to work with that poor excuse of a waiter…”

“It can’t be that bad!” He heard a light chuckle and he turned to glare at the younger.

“It’s worse than it sounds.” Luhan could only recall the tall clumsy man with shudders. “Much worse.”

“Well… not everyone can be a good waiter like you.”

“I am honestly baffled,” Luhan grimaced. “Is that supposed to be a compliment or…?”

Jongin just laughed the question away and wrapped his arms around the elder, pulling him into a hug even when Luhan tried to shove him away.

“Let me sleep!”

“I won’t let you now that I know we have so many hours for ourselves.”

Luhan wasn’t sure if that was a good or a bad thing. Truthfully, Jongin had been very gentle and had done close to no hurting but Luhan still felt a bit _weird_ —for the lack of another word.

“Who even said I would spend them with you?” Luhan challenged, making the younger pout.

“You’re so mean if you want to.”

“I’m not!” Luhan showed the most innocent expression he could master. “I just woke up feeling a bit funny, is all.”

Jongin shoved him away from him but chuckled nonetheless.

“An eye for an eye, I see.”

“Revenge is a nice thing to do.”

Luhan stuck out his tongue and laughed when Jongin grimaced.

“Come on! I even cooked for you!”

The elder only stared at him with an unamused look, which made Jongin smile sheepishly.

“Okay, I didn’t. I ordered breakfast though. And it’s getting cold.”

Luhan watched him jump off the bed, noticing just then that he was dressed already for the day.

“After last night, you’ll need good food.”

Luhan made to hit him but the younger just ducked and walked out the room quickly, barely avoiding the flying pillow.

Luhan could hear his laugher and he wasn’t sure if what he was feeling was butterflies in his stomach, the morning hunger, or if it was just annoyance that Jongin had somehow had the last word again.

He eventually went with the first.

***

The apartment complex held an eerie feeling to it.

Luhan wondered if it was due to the late hour or because for some reason there was no light that lit in the foyer.

It made him feel unsettled, almost in disbelief of anything around him.

The walk to his floor was even more eerie. The lights that normally lit the whole staircase seemed to be dimmer tonight and his steps echoed up and down the stairs. His grip on the bag of food tightened and he wondered just how much damage would two packed lunches do. Probably not much. Even less against a built man.

Luhan felt his knees wobble as he reached his floor. He felt the wall for the switch when the lights went off and there he was, lit again, only to stop in his tracks. Down the hall, his apartment door looked at least broken into. He felt his breath hitch.

_No. No. No…_

He didn’t have much.

His apartment was not that rich.

The furniture were not up-to-date or well-kept. Not even his but the landlord’s.

He had close to nothing. No money, no prized possessions except his laptop.

That would have to be long gone.

But where was Jongin?

Wasn’t Jongin supposed to be in there?

To stop whoever it was from getting into his home.

_Their_ home?

His steps were hesitating, slow. The more he approached his door, the more he saw the tortured lock. Whoever had been there, hadn’t planned to be subtle at all. It was left slightly ajar and he held on the torn wood and pushed in, finding the whole place upside down.

The furniture had been moved, drawers pulled open with everything in them thrown on the floor. Glass from some of his favorite decorations littered the carpet in front of the couch and even his curtains seemed worn. Everything looked out of place and Luhan felt tears gather in his eyes. He didn’t want to check the rest of the rooms if only the living room was such a mess.

Looking up, he found the only beautiful presence in his sight. Jongin stood by the opening of the hall. He stood there with a worried expression, clothes amiss. But Luhan didn’t notice any of that. Instead, his eyes had locked on the person standing by his side.

_“Please don’t…”_

Luhan felt his heart rise to his throat and he had trouble breathing. His eyes were wide and staring at them, frozen in place and feeling as if the walls were closing on him. Trapping him. Keeping him in one place. So vulnerable.

_“I won’t tell anyone… but please stop!”_

The person stood tall, much taller than Jongin. His skin was flawless like he remembered; light with no trace of mark. Brown eyes that stared into his soul and hair the same shade of blonde like that time back when. His expression held surprise, shock even. There was a frown over his stare which dissolved into two arches after realization hit the man.

_“No, please, don’t.”_

_“Please… no…”_

_“Kris…”_

_“Don’t… KRIS!”_

“Luhan?”

The sound brought him back only for him to let a whimper when both men made a step towards him. He felt so small, helpless, just like back then. Just like more than seven years ago, he felt cornered and defenseless.

The bag fell from his hand, coming with a thud on the floor.

“Is that you?”

Yes… and no…

The sound of his matured, deep voice made Luhan swallow sobs and tears. He wasn’t ready. He ought to have been after so many years, but he wasn’t. Not yet. He should have yelled at him, should have punched him now that he had the chance, but he didn’t. Not then, and surely not now. Not when his limps were trembling from fear and he was unsure of what to do.

Thus, he turned and ran.

There was no place he was running to—only things he was running _from_.

From Jongin’s unconditional love.

From his messed up apartment.

From his shitty job.

From his only friend, Kyungsoo.

From the years he wasted.

From _Kris_.

Suddenly, he was running from everything and at the same time from nothing.

He could hear footsteps behind him but he cared not and just flew into the streets, passing fast and honking cars. It was almost the end of him when he barely slipped from a car that was too late to stop. He heard some curses but he gave no mind to them.

Instead, he ran through alleys and backstreets, losing both his sense of direction and whoever had followed him. Falling back against the wet, cold wall, he slid down and hid himself in his knees.

A part of him wanted to laugh at the irony.

How funny was it that Kris and he would cross paths again? _Hilarious_.

Luhan wanted to laugh but only pain came out. He was too hurt to laugh. He placed a hand over his chest, feeling the rapid beats coming through layers of clothes. There was a lightning over his head and he whimpered, hugging himself even closer.

Finally, the tears spilled and the sobs echoed, and the rain started dripping.

And when his phone vibrated in his pocket, he didn’t move.

He already knew who was calling.


	7. Metamelia

Metamelia  
n.  
From the Greek word _μεταμέλεια_ meaning:  
Feeling of regret over an action/behavior and the will for compensation

##  **Chapter Seven**

Jongin raised his hand and Yifan grabbed his arm before he sent the cell phone flying across the street and probably hitting a car or a person. The brunet was both angry and thankful for the gesture and Yifan’s fast reflexes.

He wasn’t sure what he was fighting.

Luhan’s fears?

Luhan’s past?

Luhan?

Himself?

Everything had become such a mess he had no real hold of the present. Everything seemed to slip from his palms and he could do nothing but wait for what would be left of it. Who was he supposed to blame now?

Himself?

His parents?

He wasn’t sure what had triggered such a response from his parents. To send someone over and trash Luhan’s apartment? Leave a threatening note ordering him to stay away from Jongin? It was beyond his sanity.

How could everything go downhill so suddenly? Just after things had started to look up?

“Calm down, it won’t bring him back.”

He should listen to Yifan, he decided. The blond let go of him, letting the younger stumble on his feet. _Now what?_

“I was expecting him to be upset, angry even. But I didn’t expect him to run off like a prey animal.” Jongin couldn’t understand much in his present life. Just when he thought he was finally able to read Luhan like an open book…

“It’s my fault.” Yifan sounded so sure and that alone made Jongin look at him with a confused stare. “I am the reason he ran away.”

Suddenly, the pieces were falling into place and a low whisper left Jongin’s lips.

“Kris.”

The regret in the blond’s eyes was enough of a confirmation and Jongin felt his insides turn upside down and burn to ash. With a swift move, Jongin brought his fist into the taller man’s jaw. He wouldn’t feel guilty for using all of his strength, even when Yifan grabbed on his face in pain. Blood tickled down the side of his mouth, dripping just like Jongin’s patience.

“You have no idea how long I’ve dreamed of meeting you, you awful bastard.” His tone was low and harsh, the people passing by started avoiding them after the hit. “Life is indeed so funny and the world is so small after all!”

“I regret everything, Jongin. I was so drunk and I—“

“There’s no such an excuse as _too drunk_ , Yifan. No such excuse.”

“Believe me.” Yifan eyed his clenched fists. “Hit me as much as you like but I have really moved on and—“

“Well, guess who hasn’t, little boy!” Jongin made a step towards him but the elder didn’t as much as move. He seemed to accept the punishment, however it came and in whomever’s hands it would be. “ _He_ hasn’t moved on. _He_ is still dreaming of that night. _He_ is _still_ having nightmares seven fucking _years_ after. All because a colleague was too much of an idiot to keep his dick in his pants.”

Maybe he was fighting for Luhan, in the end.

“I’ve wanted to apologize to him for years but he never replied back, as many times I tried and as many ways I’ve used to reach him.”

Jongin was surprised at that fact. Had Yifan—Kris, for the matter—tried to apologize all this while? And Luhan had kept ignoring him? He had never mentioned anything about that. He hadn’t even said much about Kris except that fatal night. This was new and he wasn’t sure anymore what he was supposed to believe. If it was true, however, why hadn’t Luhan said anything about it to him?

Whichever Luhan’s reason was, Jongin decided to remain angry.

“Of course he wouldn’t want to talk with you!” _Who would want that after being that hurt?_ “You must be crazy to think he would forgive you in an instant.”

“I never forced him to forgive me. I just wanted him to know that I regret everything I did to him.”

Jongin didn’t have an answer to that. Yifan’s eyes carried a deep sadness and his anger evaporated so quickly he wished he had been harsher. But it was so hard to keep being mad at someone who was so genuine, so honest. At least he’d accepted his wrongdoings and made peace in himself. The student could not say the same with himself.

“Alright, just leave and go check up on my parents. I’ll find Luhan myself.”

Yifan bowed and did as told, disappearing somewhere into the dark parking lot in search of his car. Jongin let out a breath he hadn’t noticed he’d been restricting.

To find Luhan, he had to think like Luhan and knowing the elder was such an introvert and a shy individual, Jongin knew exactly where to look. That was how he appeared in front of Kyungsoo’s door after searching Luhan’s place for his friend’s number only to confirm his gut feelings. He’d asked Kyungsoo to talk in another room and there, he’d updated him on Luhan—“He’s still crying, hasn’t eaten anything and won’t talk to me about what happened”.

Following Kyungsoo’s directions, he ended up in front of the elder’s door. The short man was quick to fetch him and Jongin bowed in a greeting to him and the woman he found sitting on the couch. Hana, as Luhan had called her. Jongin always found it interesting how Luhan would talk about true love and how happy he was that Kyungsoo had found it. He’d continue with the usual “but it’s so rare nowadays” and would wear a sad expression, a disappointed even. And he’d end with “I hope there’s someone out there for me” and all Jongin would do was swallow the reply of “you should take a look around you, instead”.

Jongin hated the fact that Luhan would dream of real love yet be so blind to what Jongin actually felt for him. This was not something he could walk away from. This was not something he’d abandon without a fight. And when they met in that hotel that night, he knew Luhan finally realized if not everything, then at least most of his feelings.

“He didn’t tell me anything. What happened? I hope you weren’t the one to cause all this…” Kyungsoo’s sentence held some hints of anger and suspicion, and Jongin was thankful Luhan had somewhere to run to and hide. Somewhere where someone will be happy to accept him and take care of him.

Even if he wanted to be Luhan’s first choice, he was glad he had another haven in the little world of his.

“I was not the cause. It was my parents again.” And Kris. And his past. And all those little details he kept to himself. If Luhan had never told him himself, Jongin surely had no right to mention anything.

“Your parents..?” Jongin could see the flash-back and the opinion Kyungsoo had of his mother and he felt being judged. “Wouldn’t it be easier to prove them you two are happy the way you are instead of this?”

Jongin would want to laugh if Kyungsoo was not right. But he didn’t fully understand his parents. They were too blinded by wealth and status to stop and listen.

“I am trying my best,” was his only reply but it somehow satisfied Kyungsoo.

“First door on your right.”

He heard Hana whisper something as soon as he entered the hall but he gave no mind. The door to the room was slightly ajar and pure darkness reeked from inside. Pushing it, he found what was supposedly Kyungsoo’s bedroom. There was a lump on the bed which the moon lit and he could hear low whimpering from under the covers. The door creaked and Luhan fell silent in his cries.

Jongin went and sat on the bed, next to Luhan’s covered body. It felt as if he could hear the tears wet the pillow. He hesitated for a good while, both of them sitting in silence. What was he supposed to do with this man? How had he even thought that leaving abroad would be easy on him when he couldn’t leave Luhan alone even for an hour? It broke his heart how the elder was so fragile, so much in need of care, someone to look after him and protect him and all he tried to show others was that he was strong.

Yet, he wasn’t.

Kyungsoo knew it.

Jongin, too.

And he was sure Luhan knew it himself.

He would wear that mask and silently cry because he was soft and weak and so much deep in pain. Jongin, however, had accepted the fact that he’d stay for as long Luhan wanted him to be around. He’d be faithful, he’d be loyal and a shoulder to cry on, lean on. He’d be there until Luhan would shoo him away and some more. He’d come to terms with those facts a good while ago.

He turned his head and placed his palm on the covers. The other let a whimper.

“It’s me, calm down.” Somehow, that worked and Luhan lowered the covers just a bit to take a glance as if to make sure. “I’m sorry; I didn’t know it was him, of all people.”

He pulled the blanket to reveal the rest of Luhan’s head and even through the darkness, he was sure the elder had stains of tears on his face. “Do you want to eat something?” Luhan just shook his head.  “Do you want me to ask Kyungsoo if you can stay here for the night?” The other shook his head again. Jongin wasn’t sure what he could offer anymore. “What do you need?”

With that, Luhan sat up and hugged Jongin, slapping into against his body. Although a bit taken aback, Jongin hugged him so close as if he was trying to hide him from this world. And maybe he was; he was trying to hide his heart made of glass from so many dangers, himself included. In the end, he just lay with Luhan on the bed, caressing his skin and playing with his hair until the elder stopped crying and fell asleep.

As the time passed and the night got darker, he eventually slipped from Luhan’s grip and asked Kyungsoo to let him sleep there and he’d owe him big.

“Don’t worry about it. He’s my friend, you know. I don’t need you to ask any favor from me regarding him.” Kyungsoo smiled a tired smile. It was well past midnight and he was sitting on the couch, playing cards with Hana while waiting the two of them out.

“Thank you anyways, Kyungsoo.”

“I’ll probably leave then,” Hana said as she gathered the cards and Kyungsoo looked up at Jongin.

“You know, you can pay off that favor now, if you will.”

And that was how Jongin had ended up accompanying Hana to her house. The last bus was hours ago and she obviously couldn’t stay over at Kyungsoo’s when Luhan was taking up the bed—it’d be too much trouble for both her and Kyungsoo to sleep on the couch together. Jongin was more than happy to walk her home and that was how Kyungsoo and him had taken each other’s other half for the night.

“You know, Kyungsoo is pretty impressed with you.”

They’d been silent for quite a while now after talking about random things just for the sake of filling up the silence around them.

“Really?” that caught Jongin’s full attention. He hadn’t even officially introduced himself to the elder.

“Yes. You really seem to take great care of Luhan.” Hana let a light laugh escape her lips and Jongin suddenly found one of the little things Kyungsoo had probably found cute in her. “Kyung tells me how bright Luhan is at work and he even told me how he’d skipped. Literally skipped!”

The two of them laughed and Jongin found the elder even more innocent now.

“That… I didn’t know,” Jongin admitted and Hana nudged him playfully.

“You’re probably the best thing he’s had in a while.”

_You have no idea._

Jongin however went with it and took the compliment because he, himself, wanted to hear it. Just a small confirmation that he was doing good so far. “It’s nice to know that I have Kyungsoo’s approval.”

“You probably have his best wishes as well.”

The walk to Hana’s house was not that long after that, and when they reached it, he walked her to her door because “Kyungsoo would be very angry if I did half the work on my part” and bid her goodnights and goodbyes. Then, he was off to Luhan’s apartment. The hour was well past four in the morning and when he entered Luhan’s home with the spare key he had found in some drawer a while ago, he eyed the mess.

It was safe to say that cleaning everything up took hours.

***

Luhan’s boss was not that pleased with his absence but he gave him two days off work. The third, he was back and serving customers. Luhan was pretty surprised when he found his apartment looking more like home than a pile of mess. Jongin had even fixed some of the damaged furniture and replaced the curtains himself. Luhan had spent quite a lot of time thanking Jongin whilst tearing up.

The next few days Jongin missed from home most of the time. He’d return late in the evening and eat the dinner Luhan would have brought for him hours ago hungrily, although it was cold by then. When finished and cleaned, he’d slip under the covers and hug a sleeping Luhan, after having insisted he should just rest instead of staying up and waiting. Luhan would mumble words of “you’re finally here” and he’d kiss him back to sleep all the while keeping him as close as their bodies allowed.

Thus, it was slight a surprise when Jongin told Luhan of having dinner out.

It was a fancy restaurant Luhan knew to be expensive. He couldn’t really reason Jongin’s motives but he accepted anyways, having been deprived of some quality time with the high school student.

The place was, magnificent, located in a quiet neighborhood a bit far from Luhan’s apartment. He’d ridden a taxi there when Jongin told him last minute that he’d be slightly late. The decoration was breathtaking and he’d also worn his nice suit to match the occasion, and because Jongin insisted he did. As soon as he entered through the double glass doors, he found a lady dressed nicely with a long ponytail and beautiful cat eyes welcoming him. Her smile was wide and Luhan silently wondered how much of the politeness was forced.

“I have a reservation on the name Kim Jongin?” Luhan asked lightly and the woman was quick to nod and motion for him to follow. Jongin had picked a table at the far end of the vast room. It had a lot of privacy and Luhan was happy to know that the nearest taken table was at least five meters off to the side. He quickly made himself comfortable and thanked the woman.

Before anything else, he pulled his cell phone out and typed a long message to Jongin.

_I just sat at the table. Do you want me to order you anything or will you take longer than planned?_

He pressed ‘send’ and placed the device to the side. He grabbed on the menu and started flipping through it while waiting for an answer. Shortly after he’d taken a seat, a waiter came and brought some plates of food. Luhan paled a bit as he watched him place each plate on the table in front of him.

“I’m sorry but I haven’t ordered yet..?” Luhan’s voice was so soft he doubted the man would hear him.

“These are pre-ordered and paid by mister Kim, sir.” The man let a small smile and bowed just the slightest as he excused himself, wishing him to have a good meal.

This was strange.

Luhan quickly grabbed his phone again, unlocking and typing a new message to the younger. This was starting to be weird and uncomfortable and more than anything else, lonely.

“I’m sorry I’m late.” At the sound of the deep voice, Luhan looked up with wide eyes, and before he could say anything, he felt a gasp leave his mouth. “Please, I want us to talk.”

“What are you doing here, Kris?” Luhan was starting to slowly grow anxious. Could it..?

The blond grimaced at the name. “I go by my real name now; Wu Yifan.” His eyes stared so lightly it made Luhan lean back, away from him. “Either way, I want to say I’m sorry.”

“Not accepted. Now, leave.” Luhan glared but Yifan only smiled lightly.

“ _He_ planned all this.” That seemed to catch the other’s interest. “And I asked him to. Listen, Luhan. I don’t want you to accept my apology; I just want you to know how much I regret everything I did.”

“But you still did it and it changes nothing, Kri— _Yifan_.” Luhan leaned on the wall, as much as he could to sit away from the other.

“Jo—A friend of mine told me how ‘being drunk’ does not work as an excuse and I really have no other excuse for what I did. I can’t reason my wrongdoings, I only want you to move on and live life happily. I don’t want to be the source of your suffering anymore.” Luhan’s eyes widened, staring in shock. Had it not been for the quiet corner, he knew there’d be people hearing them and staring at them in curiosity. “I want you to be happy, that’s why I will help you and Jongin. But I want you to know, in the meantime, that I will never—and I swear, _never_ —do any harm to you ever again.”

Luhan wasn’t sure how to reply and if he actually had the nerve to give an answer. The atmosphere was too heavy for him to fight these emotions and the sadness on Kris’ face made it all the harder.

“I will make up for everything if you allow me to try. Now, if you excuse me…” Yifan turned to leave and Luhan found himself calling after him.

“Don’t just… Jongin already paid for this so…”

Yifan awkwardly fit himself on a chair and they started on the dinner in silence. Neither knew actually what to say and Luhan couldn’t even force himself to calm down. Instead, he decided to go through some of the thinking now. His dark eyes observed Yifan as they ate. The man didn’t as much as look up from the food and that made him wonder if it was because he wanted to not stress Luhan any further or because he was just too hungry to care.

This probably made Jongin happy, Luhan guessed. He had planned so much and he obviously cared for the matter more than Luhan expected. He would have to ask later on the student’s exact thoughts on this.

“So… Jongin told me you work at a diner…” Yifan said as he munched on some meat. Luhan looked up but quickly averted his eyes.

“Yes.”

“Did you drop out from the university?”

Luhan didn’t look at him as he answered a meek “yes”.

“I bumped into Sehun the other day. Do you remember? The guy you used to share your room with…”

“Yeah, I remember.”

“Well, he married young and has a young girl now. He works at a gaming store so, in a way, he works at his specialization.”

Luhan was surprised at the news. He’d never thought Sehun of the kind to settle down so early. The way he remembered the young blond, he was way too adventurous, way too stupid, to get married and raise children. He was happy though, at the sound of his old best friend doing well.

“I guess he found his happy ending then,” Luhan replied lowly and Yifan stared, bearing holes into his face that could easily burn him.

“He’s not the only one who found his happy ending, Luhan.”

At that, the brunet looked up and Yifan smiled a small smile that made him stop and stare. Luhan stared back, blinking at his thoughts.

Yes, maybe he had found his happy ending as well.


	8. Utopia

Utopia  
n.  
From the Greek word _ουτοπία_ meaning:  
An imagined or state of things in which everything is perfect

**Chapter Eight**

Luhan wasn’t sure why he was so frozen when he came face to face with Jongin the following time. He wasn’t even sure why there were tears at the ends of his eyes and when Jongin questioned him, he just brought his fist up to hit him. But Jongin was fast and caught him and before Luhan could aim his other fist at him, he was bounded. His jaws were harshly pressed against one another and he only let a small whine when he was pulled into a hug.

He wanted to hit Jongin for everything—for pulling Kris in this. He knew it was pathetic of him to be like this when the dinner had went decently the previous night, but he still hated it. He hated how he had to sit and talk with Kris—Yifan, or whatever—and try to understand his side of the story. But there was no side of the story different from what had happened, and nothing in the world would make was happened acceptable.

Yes, he may have found his happy ending, but it wasn’t the same with Jongin. He had so many other paths to take that’d lead him to the right one. And Luhan knew he wasn’t the perfect one for him.

“Stop crying, Luhan. Everything’s going to be alright.”

But he’d heard it before and he knew that it was a matter of a couple days until Jongin’s parents came up with something new. They couldn’t escape. His apartment might have been clean again, but the next target could be he himself, and he was already a mess without their help.

No need to make it worse, when it was much easier to put an end to everything.

“No, it won’t.” Luhan pulled himself away but the grip on his wrist remained and he fought it a bit only to give up. “Let me go.”

Jongin offered a light-hearted laugh; “Since when have you turned so moody?” Luhan wasn’t amused to say the least and the laugh died fast. Jongin quickly wiped his tears away with his free hand. “Don’t be so stressed. Everything will be alright.”

“Repeating it won’t change a thing, Jongin,” Luhan hissed as his eyes glared at a shocked Jongin. He used that opportunity to slip a step back from him. “We both know that going against your parents will do nothing. You should better go abroad and forget this.”

“I have sent Yifan to talk them out of it. It’s—“

“And you expect that to help at all, Jongin?” Luhan glared some more before he sighed. “You should start thinking like an adult.”

“Maybe you should stop being so dramatic over everything.”

Luhan’s heart skipped a beat and Jongin moved to get a hold of him only to be ignored. That wasn’t what he wanted to happen, that wasn’t something he wanted to say.

“Maybe,” Luhan started, slowly and quiet as ever, “This should be your sign.”

“What—?”

“It’ll be better if we put an end to this,” Luhan swallowed a lump, hiding tears from Jongin’s eyes as they searched his face in hopes of this being a joke. “Before it’s too late and we both start to regret we even met each other.”

***

It was a couple days after their last talk that Luhan noticed how exactly empty and monotonous his life actually was. Working the morning shift at the diner left him with a good portion of the day empty, and being him, he didn’t have anywhere to put his mind on.

As soon as he was free off work, he’d take a walk around the streets, wandering like a lost soul, until the afternoon when he’d go by a shop and get takeaway food before returning home. It was always dark, a bit unwelcoming and far too quiet after being used to having Jongin walk around, complain or just talk. Frankly, he was feeling the loneliness when he’s open his door and have no one welcome him in or ask how his day was, or have someone to snuggle against under a blanket on the couch. Or eat unhealthily with, or cuddle on the bed before sleep.

The silence started angering him so he would just plop on the couch, munch on fast food and watch some action movie, of fantasy even, to pull his mind away from reality. He’d find himself fall asleep in the living room, lulled by the voices coming from the television. It left him sore when he woke up in the early morning, but he would just ignore the pain and go along his routine.

It was irritating, the way Jongin had subconsciously pushed him into a more eventful life. How he’d gotten used to movement and noise and the talking. He’d hated how he couldn’t go back to his previous life now that he’d tasted the taste of a normal life. But he knew that he was beyond normal. He led a life that would have been the same if Jongin’s persuasion, patience and purse hadn’t pushed him out of it.

So much so, that he would groan when the clock reached three at noon and he had to leave. He’d asked his boss for double shifts but he was refused because apparently Chanyeol and Baekhyun had improved enough to keep up with the work. So he was left with nothing to do again.

Two weeks passed like that, quietly and uneventfully. Up until one Monday morning a familiar person walked through the front door.

Luhan felt his hands tremble, his heartbeat echoing harshly against the skin behind his ears. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do, run and hide, focus on something else and appear too busy, or to tug on his hair because he felt so frustrated already.

But he did none of them. He couldn’t rip his body out of the trance he fell in, and his eyes finally locked with the woman’s, who plainly sat at one of the small booths for two by the window in a corner in his section. Baekhyun had taken up the busy part of the diner today—for a change, one that Luhan blamed to be unfortunate for him—and thus he couldn’t ask him to tend for that table as well. Not when he was only two, of which one was the woman herself.

Swallowing his anxiety, he slowly made his way to the woman, forcing his face into a smile but he was sure was more of a grimace than anything else.

“Sit, Luan. I am here only to talk to you,” the woman motioned for him to sit across of her and Luhan glanced over his shoulder to check for his boss before slowly slipping into the seat. He didn't bother to correct her about his name, he couldn't find his voice anyway.

“I didn’t want to come here at all, but things happened so here I am.” The woman waved her hand away dismissively, and Luhan found some similarities with Jongin. He was really the male version of his beautiful mother. “I want to ask what happened between you and Jongin. He hasn’t been well as of lately so I suspect you did something.”

Luhan glanced around for a short while. He wasn’t sure why he felt so attacked but it didn’t help his already worried emotions. “I broke up with him.”

Jongin’s mother’s eyes narrowed into slits, almost as if she didn’t believe a word Luhan said. But of course, Luhan reminded himself, last time she’d called him practically a pedophile.

“Is that the only thing? I can and will use a lawyer if you’ve done anything to him.”

“Yes,” Luhan swallowed another lump, this one of a sob. Sure, he regretted breaking up with Jongin. But at the same time, he knew it was the best for the younger. He had other things to focus on.  And Luhan would be just fine living on his own. “I didn’t want him to waste his life with me when he is smart and strong enough to accomplish so much. It’d be a shame.”

The woman’s eyes scanned his face for any traces of lying, a hint of his mask faltering. When she found nothing to use against him, she relaxed in her seat a bit. “Jongin hasn’t gotten out of his room for two weeks.” That successfully caught Luhan’s attention and his heart almost burst in worry. “He’s locked himself in, won’t even answer when we call for him. I leave him food by the door every day, but he never touches it. He’s failing classes because he hasn’t stepped in one lesson—“

“Why are you telling me this?” Luhan breathed out. Something tore him inside and he was sure it was the guilt. He thought this would be the best option for both of them. He didn’t want to make it worse. He thought Jongin would have left already abroad, or make new friends and study and go to his classes. He thought this would release him off the pressure of keeping an adult alive and well and happy. He thought this would be much different, for both of them.

The woman’s eyes were glazed with worry, and it was the first time an emotion was caught on her expression long enough for him to notice, other than anger, Luhan noted.

“I’ve decided to let everything slip. I will not pressure Jongin into going abroad, or doing anything really. I will let him hang out with you, if that’ll make him happy.” There was a pause as she swallowed unshed tears. “I just want my son back.”

Luhan couldn’t but stare at her in shock. He glanced around, he was sure this was a prank. This couldn’t be his life that was turning to a good direction. This must have been a joke, to sting his insides some more, to cause guilt along with the pain he already held the past weeks.

“I… I—I don’t understand…” he admitted and the woman let a small tight smile show but in no way touching her eyes.

“I will let you two get back together, won’t ever come between you.” Luhan was sure his hearing was flawed, because this was too good to be true. At the bright expression of the man, the woman quickly added; “Under one condition.”

When Luhan nodded, after hesitating for a minute, the woman explained; “You have to convince him to go study abroad.”

There it was, the catch. That’d mean three years at least until he and Jongin would be together again. But they’d be together, so they wouldn’t have to be upset at each other, like they were now. If they survived through those years, they’d be left alone and in peace—although a part of him thought Jongin’s mother bet on them not surviving the time.

And maybe they wouldn’t. And maybe Luhan wouldn’t survive on his own without Jongin. But it was worth a try, in his opinion. He was willing to accept because a little patience was nothing in front of years of happiness, and if god allowed, love.

He’d have to sacrifice his fears, and Jongin would have to sacrifice his time.

That was what it’d take; a bit of sacrifice and a lot of patience.

***

Kim’s household was big, fancy, a three story house located outside of the city and away from all the commotion. The front yard was surrounded by beautiful flowers and the driveway laid with flat stone. The inside was much more expensive-looking and Luhan felt intimidated. He wasn’t even sure how a commoner like him could step into a house like this without dirtying it on the way. Everything was far too clean, far too shiny and beautiful that Luhan kept his hands intertwined before he started touching everything he saw.

Jongin’s mother was quick to lead him to Jongin’s bedroom on the second floor, sending him a meaningful stare before slowly walking away. Luhan’s eyes followed her figure until she was out of sight and knocked on the heavy wood of the door. When he didn’t hear a response, he called out a light “Jongin” that seemed to carry pretty loud down the corridor. Luhan had doubts he would be heard but then the door was fast to open. Jongin was standing there in only a pair of sweatpants and with wide, surprised eyes. Luhan felt a blush crept on his cheeks from the lack of any coverage on Jongin’s chest but he was quickly snapped out of it when he was pulled inside and had the door shut behind him.

“What are you doing here?!” Jongin almost but yelled into his face and Luhan shrank a bit in his spot.

“I came to talk to you.”

“What if someone sees you? And who let you in anyways?”

“Your mother,” Luhan replied simply and Jongin blinked his eyes in confusion. Luhan took that opportunity to tug him towards the bed, both sitting at the edge. “You have to go abroad.”

“Is my mother using _you_ now?” Jongin huffed in disbelief, glaring into empty space.

“You have been locked in here for two weeks.” When that drew no reaction, Luhan let out a troubled sigh. “Your mother was worried and came to me at the diner. We _talked_ , and she gave me an offer.”

“What offer?” Jongin frowned, looking at him now.

“If you go abroad to study, your parents won’t interfere between us ever again.”

Jongin then, huffed. “Did you tell her we broke up? Doesn’t matter now.” Luhan couldn’t but flinch at his words, his gaze falling on his clasped hands on his lap. He wasn’t sure why the thought even passed his mind, when he was the one to put an end to everything. Why would Jongin listen to him now, of all times?

“I’m sorry, but you’re not fit to babysit a grown man for the rest of your life, Jongin. If you won’t go for me, at least go for your future. You’ll have so many more opportunities abroad, so much knowledge…”

“Why do you care?” Jongin was bitter, but Luhan thought he heard his stance crack, and he couldn’t but force it a bit more.

“I care because I love you, Jongin.”

Jongin’s eyes snapped on him and Luhan stared back. He could feel his face flush but he couldn’t take back what he said, and as cheesy as it was, it was also true. He hadn’t said it until now, and sure, it wasn’t considered a good timing, but Luhan was also not one to be good at timing anyways. He’d been keeping it in for a while, thinking it over and over again for much longer.

It took a swift, quick movement for Jongin to cup his cheeks and bring his face close, staring into his eyes as if he was searching for a lie. But Luhan was not lying, and that brought a huge grin on Jongin’s face before he pulled the elder into a bone-breaking hug.

“Don’t ever leave me, Luhan,” he mumbled against his head and Luhan was fast to wrap his arms around him. It felt relieving, to feel his warmth after so many days of coldness. “I love you too.”

Even though Jongin had showed it so many times before, it still made Luhan flush. It was almost paradise to hear those words from Jongin.

“Everything will be alright.”

***

And indeed it was.

The following day Jongin announced he’d take up on the offer to his parents, only under the condition that they wouldn’t back down from their part—they agreed. Luhan had told him how his mother most likely wished for them to not last, but Jongin was determined this would work out. At least they would never know until they went through it. Better than nothing, for sure.

The flight was booked, and once again, Luhan found himself at early noon at the airport sitting a bit far from the Kim family. But it wasn’t like last time, he wasn’t afraid. Well, he was to some extent. He was afraid of being alone, of all the ‘what ifs’ that started circling around in his head, of them not surviving through time, of the distance being too much for them.

But it wasn’t like last time, it wasn’t dipped in lies, in fake promises, in tears. In fact, Luhan was smiling when he hugged Jongin before he had to walk through the check-ins. Yes, he was afraid, and he could see Jongin was afraid as well. But a part of him knew they’d manage, and three years from now, the two of them would meet again without worries.

Luhan couldn’t wait for that day to come already, and Jongin hadn’t even left yet.

“Yifan will be here for you whenever you need someone.”

Luhan glared a bit; “I’ll manage just fine on my own. Besides, I also have Kyungsoo, and it’s not like I need a babysitter twenty-four hours a day.”

Luhan could see a spark of a snarky reply light in Jongin’s eyes but the younger decided to keep quiet at the last minute. “Just focus on studying. I’ll be fine.”

An announcement echoed above their heads and they parted from the hug, stepping back to look at each other. Luhan’s eyes traveled over Jongin’s shoulder, glancing at his parents standing a bit farther.

“I promise I’ll call you every single day.”

Luhan glanced back, a wide smile spreading on his face and eyes glimmering with tears that had just started to build up upon the realization that, yes _, this is it then_.

“I promise I’ll pick it up before it rings twice.”


	9. Epilogue

Luhan was extra excided today.

He woke up early and he took a hot bath and dressed well. The weather outside was getting so hot the past days as if it was waiting for the same thing as he. He stood in front of the calendar for a while, his eyes lingering over the date.

23rd of March, 2019.

It had been marked past December when Luhan firstly got his hands on the new calendar. He’d already gone through three and now this was the last he’d ever waste money on. After today, there was no need to know the date because it marked a new start, and the days from here on would be countless anyways.

He skipped breakfast—mostly because he couldn’t force any food down at this state, and exited the apartment complex. Outside, a black car was waiting for him and he jogged lightly and hopped inside.

“Good morning, Yifan!”

“Took you a while, didn’t it?” Yifan asked from behind the wheel as he started to take off.

“I just can’t believe he’s coming today!” Luhan chirped and smiled so wide. His eyes looked outside, almost as if he was searching for the plane that carried that special someone. However, Jongin was supposed to land in an hour so it was a useless search.

“It’s been already three years, huh? Seems much less to me.”

Luhan nodded in agreement as he fumbled with his phone, checking the time.

“Don’t worry, he’ll be here in an hour.”

Much like Jongin had asked him to do, Luhan did try to move past the Kris he used to do. At first, he despised the idea. However, after long international calls through Skype and over the phone, the younger managed to convince him to at least try. It was hard, but Luhan wanted to believe he’d succeeded since now, he could talk freely with Yifan and hang out with him without acting like a cat that expected to have a bucket filled with water thrown at it.

They’d come so far—at least Luhan—and he couldn’t wait to show Jongin what he’d managed to do while the younger was away.

In addition, Jongin’s parents had invited him a couple months ago over for dinner and they started a small schedule of having Luhan eat with them every other weekend. Luhan wanted to believe they’d finally reached mutual grounds, but a part kept insisting how Luhan could might as well work as a substitute for Jongin’s absence.

The ride to the airport took a good portion of the hour and Yifan was fast to catch up with Luhan who nothing but shot out of the car to find Jongin.  Yifan chuckled at how energetic Luhan suddenly was today. He’d been restless the past week or so and as days passed and today approached, he was just getting worse.

The whole airport was buzzing with people and by the time they finally reached the check-out, Jongin was already standing by his suitcases and leaning against a column. His eyes were searching, much like Luhan’s until Yifan noticed him. Then, it was just Luhan who darted off towards Jongin’s form as fast as he could.

Jongin looked at Luhan just when he heard footsteps and right in time to catch a panting Luhan in his arms. He could feel the elder tremble against his chest and he pulled him as close as he could, as if he could hide him under his wing once again. He had missed caring after him, pampering him, knowing that someone was in need of him, and it was great to have that back.

Luhan started mumbling words that came out in a mess as he teared up. He had promised himself he wouldn’t cry, but here he was, almost sobbing already. And if it wasn’t about finally seeing Jongin in person, it was about how Jongin had changed through the years.

He’d gotten much taller than Luhan remembered him to be, his body was hard to the touch so he bet he’d been spending time working out, and as much as Luhan wished for the past body had, he wouldn’t complain now that he’d shed the very last of his baby fat off. His hair was also cut shorter, his face more angular, all small details he couldn’t pick up through the video calls because of the horrible internet connection he had at home.

It was a surprise to say the least. But a pleasant one.

“I missed you—“

“I love you.”

Jongin tucked him under his arms, eyes falling for a second on Yifan standing close by before planting a kiss at the top of Luhan’s hair.

“I love you, too.”

 

** THE END **

 


End file.
